A Meaning?

I saw the psychiatrist yesterday (more about that at some other time), but he thought that something I said really stuck out...

I'm searching for meaning in a situation where I know there will surely never be a real meaning.  I'm trying to make a meaning for me and in my life so that I don't feel like there was no reason for this to happen...even though there really is no meaning or reason for why this happened.  I need to find one for me.

I think the one big thing that this experience taught me is not to take one MINUTE for granted.  To treasure every single minute.  To spend every day doing something you love.  To top that off, I feel like every day should also be spent doing something that I feel provides meaning in my life.  Right now, I'm still searching for what that is.  Is it the career I'm in? Probably not, but maybe it is and I just haven't found the right niche yet.  Maybe I just need to find a niche in something I do where I feel like I have provided support for someone where they receive true meaning out of what I have done.  (Still not thinking it's where I currently am).  I feel like nurses and teachers and police officers and all of those types of people have that every day.  I feel like those careers are ones where you know what you are doing directly impacts someone and helps him/her.  I want that.  I don't know how I'm going to get there, but I'm working on finding a way.  I also had told myself a LONG time ago, I would not make any big changes in my life, especially my job/career until I'd let some time pass.  I'm still deep i my grief right now.  It's not the right time.

What I am thinking is that I'm going to start doing some research on going back to school.  I'd started my grad school application almost two years ago and I NEVER finished it!  I need to get back to looking at grad school and which programs would benefit me.  Then again, maybe I should look at another Bachelor's degree.  I don't know yet!  Either way, going back to school is something I've considered for awhile.  And now, while I have no other distractions, maybe now is a good time.  Let the research begin...

In the meantime, looking for ways to include myself in things that will operate in memory of the boys...today I would have been 38 weeks pregnant.  With twins, that's pretty good and most likely I would have been delivering them.  Pretty soon I no longer move from the "I still should have been pregnant right now" feeling into the "I should have been holding two healthy little baby boys right now" feeling.  I'm scared of that, but I also feel like it will be a bit of a release for me.  It will release me from the feeling of missing being pregnant and missing my babies to just missing my boys.  Not that I don't miss them right now, too, but I also miss that I don't have the big round belly and can't feel them moving all the time.  Sammy kicking my bladder, or Andy stretching up into my rib cage.  Little things in life.  I promise you, if I'm ever pregnant again, every moment, every stretch, every kick, everything will be a blessing and I will NOT complain about it AT all!  Every minute that future little peanut can stay in my belly will be a blessing!

So I am looking for different things I can do for the boys...I'm buying Christmas ornaments this year with their names on them.  I'm tempted to buy stockings with their names on them...I feel like it'd be nice to write them a note to put into their stockings every year.  Even if I never read them.  It'd be like they are getting a small gift from Mommy & Daddy every year still.  I don't know...that probably sounds strange...  I just want to find a way where they are part of Christmas this year, too.  In every possible aspect. 

I need some type of meaning...in any way possible.