Guilt

It's hard to explain but I feel this incredible amount of guilt for what has happened. And the thing is, I know there's nothing I could have done differently that would have changed anything, but I still feel guilt. I feel as though I let so many people down. Like I brought pain into people's lives and its my fault. Again, I know that this is me putting a lot of weight on my shoulders and in a way it's me feeling sorry for myself at times, but I can't get over the fact that it was me. I'm the factor in this puzzle that, in a way, though not on purpose, caused this all to happen. So I feel guilty.

The Prayer Flag Project

If you're a member of the infant/child loss community, you know the name CarlyMarie or Christian's Beach.  She is a pioneer in the movement to speak out about loss, grieving, and love for a lost child.  She has done so much in the short time since her son Christian passed away.  I can only hope that someday I can honor my boys' names and memories the way she has done for Christian.

Struggling

Awhile back I wrote how I thought I had come to a place of acceptance with losing my boys.  In many ways, I still believe that.  It doesn't make me miss them any less.  It doesn't make me wish them here any less.  If anything, it makes me wish them here more, miss them more.  But at the same time, I still blame myself for them not being here.  I know that no one blames me, but me.  I still feel guilty.  I feel guilty that I couldn't do anything to keep them safer longer.  I feel guilty that they suffered.  I feel guilty that I can't give my wonderful husband the gift of a child.  But I accept that that's my life and I'm making the best of it in the few ways I know how.  However, I still struggle.

Happy 5 Years!

I'm taking a side-track to say Happy 5th Anniversary to my wonderful and amazing husband.  He is my shoulder to cry on, my strength.  I can not even begin to tell you how truly awesome it is to be married to the man of my dreams.  My life changed the day that we met, and I've never looked back.  We have spent nearly 10 years together.  We grew up, became adults together.  And now we've been to hell and back as a couple and we're still standing.  I am so lucky.

Maura's Mission

For any parent that has lost a baby, you know that there are a lot of support groups out there!  I am a part of a few and have left a few because of personal issues. However, I recently liked a page on Facebook called Maura Lynns's Baby Loss Memorial Blocks which is a part of Maura's Mission.

Father's Day 2013

It's Father's Day...I've been wanting and meaning to write this post for awhile today...I've been procrastinating it.  Cam didn't want to "celebrate" Father's Day.  I get it.  I didn't want to "celebrate" Mother's Day either.  But he deserves to be acknowledged for being a wonderful, and amazing father. 

Infertility Blues

I've been busy lately...March of Dimes follow-up...some new charity projects...new (busy) job...getting my house organized...friends and family visiting...focusing on my health...all amongst dealing with the infertility road all over again.

I wish I knew

I wish I knew why this happened. I wish it didn't happen to so many people. As I talk about my experience I meet more people who have been through this journey. It's comforting and sad at the same time. 

I wish I knew why my body did this to me. Why it can't work the way it's supposed to. Why I can't get pregnant so naturally and easily as so many other people can. Why does being responsible mean that I can't get what I want more than anything on this earth?

I wish I knew how to get over this. How to move forward and forget. Part of me never wants to forget. I want my boys memory to be kept alive. But a part I'd me wants my life to go back to that innocence...to that pain free time. Because now I will live the rest of my life in pain. Hurting and missing my babies. It doesn't seem fair. 

I wish I knew what to do. How to pull myself together and just be me again. I am falling apart every minute anew I hate it. I cry at the drop of a hat and I hate myself because of that. I just want to be able to keep it together. 

I wish I knew how to show more people that this road isn't easy. I think people look at me and think that I have it together. I really don't. I promise you, I don't. My house is a disaster. My friendships keep falling apart. I cry. I can't get anything done short of my job. I throw myself at that. That's the only thing and place that I feel like I can keep it together and keep up that appearance that I'm okay. I'm not okay. I miss my babies. I miss my life the way it used to be. I want my happiness back. I want to be a mom. And I want to know why my body fails me of that...