Behind Closed Doors...and Eyes...

I think sometimes people think I have it all put together.  That I am strong and that I move through each day with ease.  In reality?  My house is a mess, my mind is a mess, and I feel utterly overwhelmed and like a crazy person!

I am at peace with the loss of my babies.  I am even mostly at peace with my infertility problems and journey.  But the past month was still difficult.  I still miss my babies.  It still hurts when people don't say their names or acknowledge their existence.  When "family" pictures don't include them, it makes me want to cry.  To me, they are my family.  My family is incomplete without some piece of them included.  I know not my entire family feels that way and I try to reconcile that, but it's still hard.  And it's even harder when it's the month of September.  I'm excited for our personal family photos as it means the opportunity to find new ways to represent them and include them in our family.  They are and always will be a part of our family.

And I'm a mess.  Behind closed doors, my house is a disaster and sometimes I even think all of my relationships are, too.  I feel so alone so much of the time.  I still grieve.  That's healthy and normal.  And I am beyond grateful for my amazing, healthy, beautiful little boy.  I can't say enough how grateful I am for him.  Life is amazing because of him and I focus on that most of the time.

But other times, I just feel beat down and lonely.  I feel like I can't be good enough for me or for anyone.  I've been fighting to take care of me.  I feel like a failure at that.  I have been fighting to try to muster up the energy and time I need to get my house to where I'm not stressed every time I get into it and I'm failing at that.  I am fighting to be the best wife and mom I can be and I feel like I'm failing at that, too.  I am a mess.  I don't know how to pick up the pieces to THAT part of me.  I wanted this so badly...I wanted parenthood and my babies and everything that comes with it, and I feel like I'm failing.  I can't be good enough for what I think I need to be...and I feel like my family looks at me and gets frustrated that I can't be good enough for them either and it's a vicious cycle and it's eating me alive...

To top it off, I really do want at least another child, but I know I'm not ready.  What mom can I be to that child if I feel like I'm failing the one I have.  I don't know what to do to fix me right now and I'm fighting through every day to figure it out...