If you asked me three years ago if I thought I'd be here, in this place, in this mindset, I would have told you no way in hell. Today, I look back and feel as though I have made the best choices for myself over the past three years and the best choices for my family. Me three years ago seems far away. I am a new me in many, many different ways.
Three years ago, even before all this happened, I was broken. Years of fertility treatments and a rough pregnancy had me broken down, tired, and discouraged. And then Samuel and Andrew being born broke me to a point I never thought I could be repaired.
It's nice to look back and know that I have repaired myself. I feel like I'm in a good spot. Those two boys made me who I am. They created this me that I am proud of. I am slowly building confidence in many ways. But the one thing I know is that I wouldn't be here without them.
I love them and I miss them every day. Ben is a constant reminder of the way things *could* have been, but he is also here because of them. Life would be different yes, but life wouldn't be the wonderful, amazing thing it is today. I now have three boys that created me. Not only did they make me a mom, but they created this mom.
I still have my tough days. I'd be lying if I didn't say today is hard. But I think in many ways, I am at peace. I know I am who I am because they lived. And I am who I am because they died. This new me, this mom I am to Ben and to Sammy and Andy, is created because their lives were short and sweet. I love all three of my boys with every beat of my heart and I'm still struggling to learn what parenting Ben means when I'm still trying to figure out how to parent my angels. I will make mistakes and that's okay, but I am at peace with knowing that I am doing the best I can. I have always made THE best decisions I could with what information I had at the time, and that brings me the best peace I can have.
So today I celebrate 3 years. Not only three years ago that Sammy and Andy were born and that today is their birthday, but that I made it. I made it through three years and I am at peace with the wonderful life that they have brought me. Every day I reflect on what a wonderful gift they were to me. I was the one who was given a gift on their birthday by holding and loving them. And they gave me the gift of Ben, too. He is here because they lived and because they died. Because I knew I could do it again. Because I knew I needed to. And I am at peace knowing that this is the life I was meant to live.
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