Why I Write

I have found that the more I write, the more I wonder why...and the less I write, the more I wonder why I don't.  I am trying to find my place and the meaning of this blog to me now.

Originally, I created this blog to chronicle Sammy's and Andy's birth story and their subsequent ICN stay...allowing me to share once and not have to repeat myself.  And then it became about grief and dealing with that grief.

Don't get me wrong, that grief is still there.  I often think I've found acceptance and peace and then I revert back to it...I can't let it go yet.  I haven't 100% made it yet.  I don't know when or if I ever will be 100% there.  I know I will always miss them.

And then it became about Ben.  Oh, my wild, beautiful, wonderful little boy.  And I didn't keep up with this past year on here as much as I would have liked to chronicle his wonderful, amazing, and absolute blessed first year.  But I enjoyed it.  Not every minute, but being a mom...there's nothing like it, and I don't even think that all of those years of treatments could have prepared me for this.  I am so, so very lucky.  Because, what if?  What if I didn't have him or this opportunity?

So I think it has become that I write to help others.  I want others to know the feelings are normal.  I am human, you are human, we are all human.  And what YOU feel is normal.  It has taken me a long time not to judge people for how THEY feel when it differs from what I THINK they should.  Heck, I still judge...I'm HUMAN!  But I have a new understanding the more life throws at me.

I've learned that writing isn't just as much an outlet for me, but something that if even one person reads it, and it helps them, then I've done something pretty great.  My boys have done something pretty awesome.  And everything in my life has been for some purpose.  I have a purpose.  Each one of my beautiful boys has a purpose.

It's also why I am currently writing for The Infertility Voice.  My latest blog post is a new old story.  I didn't blog when we were going through our treatments for the twins, so it's a little known story.

With that...here's hoping I can keep up with my blog...my healing...and help more people.