Mother's Day 2015 and Thoughts on Parenting my Rainbow

This is a week late, but better late than never, right?

This year marked my third Mother's Day.  My third Mother's Day without Sammy and Andy.  But my first Mother's Day with Ben.  So to many, I guess it looks like my first "real" Mother's Day.

For the past two years, it has felt like only a couple of people in my life have celebrated me being a mom.  It has hurt beyond words.  And really, this year, the fact that so few people recognized that Samuel and Andrew made me a mom first, not Ben, hurt a bit.

At times, I feel like having Ben causes so many people to forget that he's not my first baby.  He's not my only baby.  He is my only living baby.  And, man, he is the center of my world!!  I love him more than anything in the world.  This Mother's Day definitely had a different meaning because of him.  Because him saying "mama" is the best, most amazing feeling in the entire world.  It fills my heart with SO much joy!

I do wonder if maybe, just maybe, I live in the past a bit much.  I have found that I think about the twins so much more with Ben here.  But mostly it is wondering what life would have been like.  Ben is sometimes a vision of what could have been.  As I've said many times, though, if they were here, he likely would not be and I would NEVER, EVER change that.

I am trying to find ways to honor them and make them a part of his life without him feeling like he is a replacement for them, because boy, oh boy, is he not even close.  He is his own self, but not only that, nothing could replace them.  He is their little brother.  They are his big brothers in heaven.  And I know they look out for him.  And I know he is here safe and sound because those two little angels were looking out for him and for me.

I do believe that I am who I am and my life is what it is because they both lived and died.  Things like the March of Dimes and the Children's Hospital at Dartmouth have a different meaning than they would if Ben had come first and Ben had been my only preemie.  What I do know is that I need to learn to honor them while letting Ben live and ensure he NEVER feels like he is living in their shadow.

That's why my wish for Mother's Day from my husband was the United States Mint, March of Dimes commemorative coin.  Because that gift represents all THREE of my boys.  It represents what being a mom really is to me.  It is parenting both living and angel boys.  It is being a loss mom and just being a mom.  It embodies who I want to be and what I want to become.

Man, if only I could keep the tears at bay and the feelings of missing them would not surface quite so much.  Heading towards their third birthday and their third angelversaries...I'm struggling.  Why is 3 such a magic number??  And how could it possibly have been three years already??  I miss them every day, but I love Ben more and more every day because he is him and he is the center of my world and I am just so blessed to be his mommy.