Showers and Rainbows

I was so lucky to celebrate a beautiful little rainbow with friends and friends I consider family today.

A friend who lost her beautiful little boy almost a year after I lost Samuel and Andrew is expecting her rainbow.  I could NOT be happier for her and her entire family!!  I don't know that I have stopped smiling ANY time I have talked to her about her beautiful baby girl in the past 8 months.

As happy as I am for her, the emotions of being a preemie momma times three is always there.  I still have a lot of disappointment that I did not have that exciting shower with my big swollen belly.  I am NOT jealous...I just know that I missed my shower by ONE day and that stinks!  Of course, having Ben here and healthy is sooooooo worth it, but I will always be disappointed about it and that's okay. It's okay to feel that way.  I know so many preemie moms that feel that way so I know I'm normal. ;)

Ben, my beautiful rainbow, will be 1 in in 1 week.  I am in awe of where my life has gone in nearly 3 years.  Three years ago, I was expecting twin boys.  Now, I am celebrating one boy who isn't even one of those twins.  I am not sure Ben would be here if the chain of events would have not happened the way they did...but I do still wonder what life would look like with them here.  I love him and wouldn't change it for the world!!  I just wonder what Sammy and Andy would have looked like and what their personalities would be.  What would I be buying for their birthday?  I know I will always wonder and I'm okay with that.

There is so much bittersweet to having a rainbow.  And I know that my friend is feeling the same about birthing her little girl.  This is our life as loss moms and it is what it is and we cope, we live, we move forward.  That's what we do.  This group of women that I'm a part of...it's the most strong group of women I know.  We each have our own journeys through the grief, and we are a part of a club that no one else should ever have to be a part of....we are brave, wonderful, beautiful, amazing women and we are STRONG because of the life we have been given.