So Thankful

I have slacked on my blog and I know it.  The last 8 months have been insanely emotional.  Happy, sad, frustrating, exciting, and everything in between, but we are here.  Alive and well.

B was born on May 31, 7 weeks early, and 4 weeks before my scheduled C-section.  I was in labor (and pretty sure I had been for a week) and they couldn't stop it.  He arrived at 5 pounds and 1 ounce and spent 20 days in the Intensive Care Nursery.  We were so lucky to have so many of the same nurses and doctors.  They knew our story and knew HOW special B is to us.

Life since has been so busy.  I haven't even had time to think straight!  Between learning what it's like to bring a baby home and watch him grow as well as going back to work and balancing being a mom and an employee, I just haven't had time to get back to the blog.  But I really do want to keep blogging. It is still my outlet.

And I still miss my eldest boys.  They would be 2.  I can't believe I should have two 2 year olds.  This is the third Thanksgiving, third Christmas without them.  My heart hurts.  B is a nice distraction, but he does not replace the twins.  I'm trying to figure out the best way to include them in his life without being overbearing.  I want B to know who they are, but I want him to know he can be his own person and that he does NOT live in the shadow of what the twins could have been.

The other emotional balance is realizing I'm done having babies.  With two pregnancies that were NOT the smoothest and then ended in the ICN, I'm done.  I don't want to do IVF again and even if we could get pregnant naturally, we aren't willing to risk it.  We have B now.  He comes first and he needs his mommy.  Another pregnancy is still too risky.  So I've shut a 5 year door of trying to get pregnant and being pregnant.  That feels so surreal.  It feels like a huge release, but at the same time, I'm sad.  I will never have the "normal" experience.  I mean, B was even born 1 day before my baby shower, so I didn't even get that normal pregnancy experience.  I'm sad to say goodbye to those things, but I have my healthy, happy beautiful baby boy and for that I am thankful.

I am thankful that I am healthy.  I am thankful my husband and my son are healthy.  I am thankful that we have a warm, cozy home on this snowy night before Thanksgiving.  And I am thankful for the family and friends that have supported us every step of the way from getting pregnant, to saying goodbye to the twins, to bringing this beautiful boy home.  My life will never feel complete as Samuel and Andrew are always missing, but I am so grateful for what I have.