So we made it…24 weeks today. I woke up both elated and nervous. I was in the hospital at 24 weeks last time…for the second time. I'd had the steroid shot to mature my babies' lungs. This time, I have avoided the hospital all together. I haven't had any of the complications that hinted at my hospitalization last time either. It's an eery feeling to think that maybe, just maybe, I will be avoiding the ICN and bringing home my healthy, happy baby boy.
I realize I haven't posted in awhile…hitting 20 weeks was emotional. It was like this one hurdle I knew I needed to get to but that brought new fears with it. Any loss before 20 weeks is a miscarriage. Though I knew he had an identity. I could feel him move. I knew what we were going to name him. 20 weeks felt like this big milestone…because making it from 20 to 24 weeks seemed impossible. All these fears of losing him…having to deliver a baby that couldn't survive…they just kept floating through my head.
Then again, I know that delivering my baby now isn't a guarantee either…but at least my doctors will try now. It's this big thing for me. Now the doctors will try to save me AND my baby. It's such a little thing in the grand scheme, but when you've lost babies…it is a big thing. When you've fought for your life and fought for your children's lives…it's a big thing. If he comes now, I know I would still have to fight for his life…advocate for my son…but at least the doctors will try. Any hospital visit from here on out is an appointment or to labor and delivery.
Three months. I can wait. I know everyone always says "oh I can't wait until he/she is here and I can meet them." Don't get me wrong, I'm excited, but I will take 3 more months of pregnancy and wait to meet my little man until that 3 months is over. It sure beats the alternative. I would love to cuddle and touch him right now, of course I would, and if he came now I would fight just as I did for his older brothers. Probably harder because I know what can happen. But I'm hoping against all hope that I'm pregnant for 3 more months and bringing my baby home within 3 days…no long hospital stays!
Today is a doctor's appointment. I'm nervous. I feel like my blood pressure keeps creeping up at each doctor's appointment. And then I came home the past two days with edema (swelling in my ankles…fluid build up that is often a sign of preeclampsia). I'm sure it's probably just because I was on my feet more, but it was the first sign that things were going downhill with the boys about 3-4 weeks before they were born. Thankfully I have doctors' appointments every 2 weeks from here on out. That should help my anxiety…maybe. If they take me seriously. That's the big thing…I didn't feel like I was taken seriously last pregnancy. I really hope they will this time. At least I am working with high risk doctors who seem to have a better understanding of why I'm an anxious mess…
So here's hoping today goes well. Here's hoping that I make it to Tuesday…I want to beat that 24 week 3 day mark so badly. I want to know what it's like to be so largely pregnant I don't want to move… Most of all, I just want to hold my beautiful baby boy in my arms from day one of his life.
No comments:
Post a Comment