Mother's Day Anger

So it's here.  Mother's Day.  The day that a year ago, I dreamed of spending with my babies.  Cuddling and smiling and having a good day.  Now I just know that it's not a good day.  It's not something to celebrate.  Who celebrates not having their babies here?  I know I'm a mom...everyone can tell me that...but I don't feel it.  I feel lost.  I feel like my world is crashing again because this stupid Hallmark holiday is just a reminder, yet again, of what I don't have.

I'm trying to avoid Facebook today.  Trying to avoid all the moms posting the cool gifts that their husbands and kids gave them...because I'm not celebrating.  I'm a mom in the sense of the word...but I'm not a mom raising kids.  I don't get that chance.  Some part of this cruel world decided that no matter how much I fought to have my boys, I didn't deserve to keep them here with me.

Mother's Day sucks.  And I feel like even when we do have kids that we get to keep...that I will still hate this day.  It will always be a reminder to me that I'm missing something.  My heart will never be full or whole again because two pieces were taken from me the days that Andrew and Samuel left this world.  It's not fair.

I will never understand how all the scum in this world...the parents who abuse and hurt their children...get to keep them and the government thinks it's okay to let them continue to procreate...so they can continue to live off of the tax dollars I pay working my ass off...but yet the government won't cover fertility treatments for those of us that want to be parents...that can afford to be parents...it's probably a hell of a lot cheaper in the long run!  And to top it off, adoption costs even more!  And they keep taking away the tax incentive for adoption.  How fair is that?  There are so many kiddos that need help and yet, it's going to cost me HOW much to give them what they need on top of raising them...and the government doesn't help?  Ugh.

So I guess today just makes me angry.  Stirs up all these thoughts and feelings that I always have.  Today, I plan on painting my new office, and I plan on enjoying the peace and quiet of the woods with NO internet or anything.  Board games, the great outdoors, friends, and family.  That's how I will spend today...trying not to remember what a shitty, made-up holiday this is.