Beginning Year 3 a New Me

If you asked me three years ago if I thought I'd be here, in this place, in this mindset, I would have told you no way in hell.  Today, I look back and feel as though I have made the best choices for myself over the past three years and the best choices for my family.  Me three years ago seems far away.  I am a new me in many, many different ways.

Coming up on Three...

As I look at all of the back-to-school photos on my Facebook timeline, I realize that if things were different, I could have two kids going to preschool for the first of two years.  How is that possible?  How is it possible that my boys would have been THREE in just a few short days?  How have I made it through the past three years?  I can't even figure it out...

Showers and Rainbows

I was so lucky to celebrate a beautiful little rainbow with friends and friends I consider family today.

Day 6: Rituals

I wasn't really sure what to write for today's post.  I was thinking about how we honor our boys.  Then I realized I have a lot of rituals.

Like the fact that when I'm stressed, nervous, or upset, I rub my necklace.  The necklace I wear every day with the boys' ashes in it.  I only take it off to shower.  And if I don't remember it, I feel off all day.  When I traveled not too long ago (flying), I was scared to take it...scared it could get confiscated or that I'd lose it.  I felt SO lost my entire vacation...like I was constantly forgetting something.  Almost as bad as feeling like I'd left my children at home...which I guess I had, in a way.

But probably the two biggest rituals in our house...Christmas ornaments.  It was what I had wanted to do for my boys before they were born...they would each get a Christmas ornament each year so that when they grew up and left home, they would have a personal collection to take with them.  So I haven't given up on that.  I bought two beautiful ornaments for them for their first Christmas.  I couldn't bring myself to buy the "baby's 1st Christmas" ornaments, but I bought ones with their stats on them.  And I've already bought beautiful ornaments with their names for this Christmas.  Eventually I think they may need their own tree...and that's okay!  Whatever it takes.

The other ritual is the boys' birthday.  I plan on doing something special...releasing something special every year.  This year we did the lanterns.  Next year, hopefully we'll have a baby and can all do balloons.  And maybe butterflies some year.  I don't know.  Just something fun each year.  A ritual of celebrating their birthday and honoring them in some way.  We spent a lot of time at home this year on their birthday, but I'd really like to start a ritual of going somewhere or doing something else special, too.  Like hiking somewhere every year to release the balloons or butterflies or something.  I don't know.  Or family photos every September 3.  I'm still working on ideas.  I know I struggle with deciding on the best ways to honor my boys still.  I just feel like nothing will ever be good enough...still struggling with that...just as I struggled to pick their urns...to bring them home...it just became instinctual eventually.  I hope that will happen again when it comes to all this.

Happy 1st Birthday, Samuel & Andrew

Dear Samuel & Andrew,

As we approach 1 year

I know I haven't posted a lot lately...and I know I meant to.  It's been hard.  This past week...everything about it is a reminder.  We're hitting 1 year of everything.  1 year ago Monday I was in the hospital the first time. 1 year ago tomorrow (Friday), I was admitted to the hospital with a strong likelihood of delivery.  And 1 year ago Tuesday, my world was turned upside down.

Pay-It-Forward

I'm taking an idea from a good friend of mine over at One Day At a Time.  She used this idea to celebrate her angel, Avery's first birthday, and I thought it was a great idea.  In honor of Samuel's and Andrew's first birthday, I want to encourage everyone to pay-it-forward with a random act of kindness.  Do something nice for someone you don't know.  Pay for the coffee of the person behind you at the drive-thru.  Leave an extra big tip for the waitress next time you go out to eat.  Offer to help someone behind you in line carry groceries to their car.  Donate to a local charity.  Write a letter to a soldier.  Be a foster parent for a dog or cat at a rescue agency.

If you are having a brain cramp and want some ideas, check out my Pinterest Board.

The only thing that I ask when you do this is that you please include this card or leave a note that includes this information.  If you need an original to print (it should print 4x6), please feel free to e-mail me by clicking my name/contact info.

 

Thank you to everyone for helping us remember our babies on their first birthday.

Our Busy Life

I feel like I'm always on the go...like there's always something to do.  Of course, I'm still finding time to sit my bum in front of my computer and the TV, so maybe I should stop that, but it's my de-stressor (usually).  Oh well.  Things will eventually get done.  The laundry will find a way.  The house will eventually get clean.  In the meantime, life goes on...without my boys...but it goes on.

Memory Boxes

When we left the NICU both times we lost the boys, we were given beautiful memory boxes, each filled with adorable and sweet little things to keep in honor of our boys.  At the time, it was hard to look through them and I eventually did when we came home from the hospital.  Since then, I can't open them.  I haven't even gone through the boys' things again since we came home.  I'm really hoping that come their birthday, I can bring myself to do it.  I'm also hoping that in honor of their birthday I can donate boxes back to the NICU in their names as well as Kristy's girls' names.

27

I turned 27 yesterday.  I'm no where near where I thought I would be in my life at 27.  I haven't done the things I wanted to do by 27.  And honestly, the biggest thing I wanted was to be a mom by this point.  And though I am a mom...I still never feel like one because I'm not RAISING my children.  I think we set goals for ourselves.  "By 30 we'll be raising two kids."  That was the goal that Cam and I had set.  Goals are good.  They give life purpose because you're working toward something.  But sometimes I know that I focus more on the end result than the journey.  So I guess this year, my biggest goal for 27 is to focus on the journey.