I'm Still Fragile...Handle with Care

It may have been three years since we said goodbye to Sammy and Andy...and Ben may be 18 months old...but I still fight those feelings...those same feelings I had both before I was ever pregnant at all and the ones that first year after Sammy and Andy were born and passed.  I still ache for my babies.  I still struggle with being thankful...

Showers and Rainbows

I was so lucky to celebrate a beautiful little rainbow with friends and friends I consider family today.

Why I don't post more pictures...

I'm sure many people are wondering why I'm not yelling from a roof top on FB about Ben or why I'm not posting more pictures...

There are just some days

There are just some days where I just want to come home and cry.  Today was one of those days.  It was a happy day...but it was also a really difficult day for me.  I struggled a lot.  Today wasn't about me.  It was about celebrating with family and friends.  And about being utterly and crazily happy for a woman in my life who has been one of my greatest supporters over the past nearly 10 years, but most especially the past year.  Shared experiences do that for you, no matter how long ago that shared experience happened.

The P Word

I have been slacking on my posts recently, so now that I have some down time a few thousand feet in the air, I figure it's time to do some catching up.

It seems as though every where I turn, there is someone announcing that they are pregnant.  I've probably said this before, but I will say it again.  I have a really hard time when someone tells me they are pregnant.  I really should just get over it, but truly there is no better word to explain it but jealousy.

They will follow me

I got my tattoos of my boys feet in December.  I debated for a long time where to put them but decided that I would put them on the top of my feet.  That way I could say my boys were always with me.  They walk with me wherever I go and are a part of me not only in the spiritual sense, but also in a somewhat physical sense, too.  Those tattoos...the pictures of their footprints in actual size...they are such a huge part of me.

27

I turned 27 yesterday.  I'm no where near where I thought I would be in my life at 27.  I haven't done the things I wanted to do by 27.  And honestly, the biggest thing I wanted was to be a mom by this point.  And though I am a mom...I still never feel like one because I'm not RAISING my children.  I think we set goals for ourselves.  "By 30 we'll be raising two kids."  That was the goal that Cam and I had set.  Goals are good.  They give life purpose because you're working toward something.  But sometimes I know that I focus more on the end result than the journey.  So I guess this year, my biggest goal for 27 is to focus on the journey.

Guilt

It's hard to explain but I feel this incredible amount of guilt for what has happened. And the thing is, I know there's nothing I could have done differently that would have changed anything, but I still feel guilt. I feel as though I let so many people down. Like I brought pain into people's lives and its my fault. Again, I know that this is me putting a lot of weight on my shoulders and in a way it's me feeling sorry for myself at times, but I can't get over the fact that it was me. I'm the factor in this puzzle that, in a way, though not on purpose, caused this all to happen. So I feel guilty.