Starting Over...

It's been awhile.  And honestly, it's time for me to admit that this blog has served its purpose.  I started this blog to share the journey of our twins through the NICU and hoping that they would be coming home.  Unfortunately, that did not happen and instead, this became my grief outlet.  It became my focus and my daily routine to be able to release pent up emotions and frustrations.

It's time though.  It's time to start a new journey with a new blog and a new focus.  So I present to you...

Mama's Making Memories

I'm Still Fragile...Handle with Care

It may have been three years since we said goodbye to Sammy and Andy...and Ben may be 18 months old...but I still fight those feelings...those same feelings I had both before I was ever pregnant at all and the ones that first year after Sammy and Andy were born and passed.  I still ache for my babies.  I still struggle with being thankful...

Why I Write

I have found that the more I write, the more I wonder why...and the less I write, the more I wonder why I don't.  I am trying to find my place and the meaning of this blog to me now.

Behind Closed Doors...and Eyes...

I think sometimes people think I have it all put together.  That I am strong and that I move through each day with ease.  In reality?  My house is a mess, my mind is a mess, and I feel utterly overwhelmed and like a crazy person!

Beginning Year 3 a New Me

If you asked me three years ago if I thought I'd be here, in this place, in this mindset, I would have told you no way in hell.  Today, I look back and feel as though I have made the best choices for myself over the past three years and the best choices for my family.  Me three years ago seems far away.  I am a new me in many, many different ways.

Coming up on Three...

As I look at all of the back-to-school photos on my Facebook timeline, I realize that if things were different, I could have two kids going to preschool for the first of two years.  How is that possible?  How is it possible that my boys would have been THREE in just a few short days?  How have I made it through the past three years?  I can't even figure it out...

Showers and Rainbows

I was so lucky to celebrate a beautiful little rainbow with friends and friends I consider family today.

Mother's Day 2015 and Thoughts on Parenting my Rainbow

This is a week late, but better late than never, right?

This year marked my third Mother's Day.  My third Mother's Day without Sammy and Andy.  But my first Mother's Day with Ben.  So to many, I guess it looks like my first "real" Mother's Day.

Why I don't post more pictures...

I'm sure many people are wondering why I'm not yelling from a roof top on FB about Ben or why I'm not posting more pictures...

March for Babies 2015

It's been a hectic couple of weeks gearing up for the Upper Valley March for Babies at Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center!

Battle of the Badges 2015

We are so very lucky to be in the LEO (law enforcement officer) family and you can never get enough of the LEO/fire rivalry.  One of the best examples is our local Children's Hospital fundraiser, the CHaD Battle of the Badges, a hockey game of fire vs. police.

March for Babies 2015

March for Babies is coming up SO quickly!!  I feel like time got away with me this year and I'm so far behind in getting myself together for it.  Our team is dwindling as people move onto other things, but I'm still just SO thankful for all of the people who donate in memory of my baby boys.  We are so very lucky.

Why I've Been MIA

I've been enjoying motherhood.  The best I can when sleep deprived and working a 32-hour-per-week job.  But what I heard over and over and didn't want to listen to?  IT'S HARD WORK!!!

So Thankful

I have slacked on my blog and I know it.  The last 8 months have been insanely emotional.  Happy, sad, frustrating, exciting, and everything in between, but we are here.  Alive and well.

What 24 Weeks Feels Like

So we made it…24 weeks today.  I woke up both elated and nervous.  I was in the hospital at 24 weeks last time…for the second time.  I'd had the steroid shot to mature my babies' lungs.  This time, I have avoided the hospital all together.  I haven't had any of the complications that hinted at my hospitalization last time either.  It's an eery feeling to think that maybe, just maybe, I will be avoiding the ICN and bringing home my healthy, happy baby boy.

Our Happy Valentine's Day

I'm quite delayed in typing up this post, and I have been meaning to post this for 3 weeks now!  I need to get better about staying on top of this thing.  Life has stayed quite busy for us lately, but we're getting there!

On Valentine's Day we went in for our follow-up ultrasound and check-up at 18 weeks.  The best news we got was that the abruption that I had at 15 weeks was no longer visible on our ultrasound.  Additionally, with no bleeding, the doctors were fairly confident that it was gone.

On top of that, we found out that we're having another boy.  I had told Cam the whole time that it was a boy!!  Mommy instincts were definitely right, and there's no doubt about it!!

Updates...

So I told myself I would blog more...but between work, spending time with my husband, and dealing with all my emotions of being pregnant again, I haven't been able to find the energy...

New Year, New Faith

I know it's been awhile since I posted...yet again.  One of my new year resolutions is to keep up with my blog again.  I'm going to stick with one post a week...more if I have time, but one post a week.  I have found that this is my therapy and by not posting, I don't have a place that I vent and express myself.  My other new year resolution...the really big one...is to restore my faith.

Holidays 2013

It's been awhile since I posted.  To be honest, I don't have a good excuse.  I've had a lot going through my head and a lot to say, but just not sure why I didn't come here...part of it is probably because I wasn't sure how to say any of it...part of it because I probably shouldn't.

Day 17: Time

There are no words for the length of time I have been missing my baby boys....just that I've been missing them for too long and know that I will continue to miss them.  Each day is a day further from their sweet, sensitive little bodies...but a step closer to someday getting to hold my babies again...