New Year, New Faith

I know it's been awhile since I posted...yet again.  One of my new year resolutions is to keep up with my blog again.  I'm going to stick with one post a week...more if I have time, but one post a week.  I have found that this is my therapy and by not posting, I don't have a place that I vent and express myself.  My other new year resolution...the really big one...is to restore my faith.



I want to restore my faith in myself.  I have so much guilt...I know I always will, but I also know that in order to really, truly heal, I need to let go if it.  Find a way to deal with it.  I need faith.  I need to believe in myself, in my body, in everything I hope and dream for.  I have to believe that it will happen eventually...that I will eventually have faith in me again.  Know who I am as a mother, a wife, and a daughter and granddaughter.  I think I lost myself in my grief over the past 15 months and it is time to restore faith in myself.

I need to have faith in other people again, too.  To have faith that even when I feel like people are trying to hurt me, that they aren't.  They are naive or just plain clueless...thinking about nothing but what is in front of them, not what and who is around them.  I need to learn how to deal with that...and have faith in people.  I need to control the feelings that want to take over my brain and make me feel so lost and alone and hurt.  I need to have faith in people...

And just all around faith.  I need to find it.  I know I'm mostly lost because I haven't found faith, period.  I'm not necessarily one for church and religion.  I don't believe in religion.  It causes wars, and disagreements...and pain and hurt amongst people who are so unaccepting of other people.  I want to believe what I believe without associating with any one religion or having judgement passed on me for what I do believe.  Because I need faith and having judgement passed on me because of my beliefs will just shake my faith, so I need to find a way to believe and have faith without that sneaking in.

So my big resolution is to have faith.  Because without it, 2014 won't be the year it is supposed to.  Because the baby I've been carrying for the past 12 weeks needs me to have faith that he or she will be here, healthy and happy.  This baby needs me to have faith so that I can be the strongest mama for him/her that I can be.  Because faith will get me through this pregnancy and through life raising a wonderful child as well as remembering and parenting his or her older brothers.