Updates...

So I told myself I would blog more...but between work, spending time with my husband, and dealing with all my emotions of being pregnant again, I haven't been able to find the energy...



But now...I'm 15 weeks, 1 day.  I made it to second trimester.  Next goal third trimester...uncharted territory.  Except I'm scared.  It pays to start from the beginning...after all, this blog really should be about this baby's journey as much as his/her older brothers'.

In October, we did IVF again.  We had 13 beautiful eggs, 8 fertilized.  Of those 8, all 8 made it to day 3 when we transferred the absolute best one back.  We let the other 7 grow in the hopes of freezing on day 5.  Unfortunately, all 7 stopped growing just before the point we could freeze them.  That in and of itself was extremely frustrating and disappointing.  I had had hope.  My doctor had hope.  But thankfully, the one we transferred worked.

I was on medication (Cabergoline) for 10 days from my egg retrieval.  Thankfully this medication helped prevent me from getting the hyperstimulation syndrome that I got with my last IVF procedure.  I have had a dream first trimester.  Not much morning sickness at all.  The only thing I dealt with was some exhaustion.  Weekends consisted of naps as much as possible and most nights I was in bed by 8.

About 12 weeks, it started to get better and I was looking forward to a great second trimester of enjoying being pregnant.  Strangely, my first trimester this time I was less scared than with the boys.  I knew I had made it through a first trimester before.

At 13 weeks, 2 days I had some light bleeding.  The doctor on call that I spoke with basically told me there was nothing they would do.  If it were a miscarriage, they couldn't stop it and anything else I would just follow up with my doctors.  The next day I had heavy red bleeding.  I called my doctor's office and they got me in for an ultrasound and appointment with my doctor.  After a brief ultrasound, the radiologist came in to tell us it looked like I could have a potential placenta previa, where the placenta grows over the cervix.  The doctor told us that there was nothing they could do except tell me to be on pelvic rest (no sex, no tampons, etc.).  More bleeding on Thursday at 13 weeks, 6 days and they told me it's normal.

I went a whole week with nothing.  I was excited to say it must have passed.  But I jinxed myself.  This past Thursday, at 14 weeks and 6 days, I had a gush of blood.  They had me go into the office right away.  They listened to the heart beat, perfect at 160bpm and checked how much blood I had lost and did a CBC to make sure that all my levels were still okay (ie I'm not anemic and that I hadn't lost too much blood).  They sent me home telling me to continue to do pelvic rest and call with anymore bleeding.

I bled all night.  Twelve hours of bleeding every time I went to the bathroom....more and more blood.  At this point, I was scared.  I called and left a message for my nurse and got a call from the receptionist 10 minutes later to come in for an ultrasound.  We went and waited for about an hour...and then had an ultrasound that took nearly 1.5 hours.  They checked everything.  Measuring the baby, measuring my cervix, taking pictures of my placenta and ovaries.  Lots of back and forth between the tech and the radiologist.  Then they sent me upstairs to meet with the doctor, without telling me anything.

The doctor told us that I have a placental abruption.  Small.  In my case it's a blood pocket/clot behind the placenta that has caused the placenta to separate from my uterus.  It's small.  That's what I keep telling myself.  But I also know that anything can happen...this could resolve and in second trimester, the placenta can still grow enough to re-attach.  Or it could go all wrong...all I can hope is that I get lucky this time.  In the meantime, I'm on bed rest.  Modified.  So I can still get up and go to the bathroom and take a shower.  But I'm working from home.  I am going in solely for meetings so as to stay off my feet as much as possible.  I am spending my weekends crocheting and hoping.  I can't sleep very well anymore.  I know what it's like to lose everything you've hoped for...I've already BEEN through it.  I don't know if I can do it again.  I just keep hoping I'll be the lucky one this time...that I won't be yet another bad statistic... 

And of course, bed rest gives me waaaaay too much time to think.  And I feel lonely.  People can lend all the emotional support in the world...but sometimes company is the best medicine...and I don't get a lot of that anymore.  I feel isolated since losing the boys.  And I know part of that is my own doing...isolating myself.  But I guess I'm learning that the true friends are the ones that have come to visit anyways, despite me pushing them away when I'm in pain and struggling with my emotions.  I just wish there were more of those people...