Struggling

Awhile back I wrote how I thought I had come to a place of acceptance with losing my boys.  In many ways, I still believe that.  It doesn't make me miss them any less.  It doesn't make me wish them here any less.  If anything, it makes me wish them here more, miss them more.  But at the same time, I still blame myself for them not being here.  I know that no one blames me, but me.  I still feel guilty.  I feel guilty that I couldn't do anything to keep them safer longer.  I feel guilty that they suffered.  I feel guilty that I can't give my wonderful husband the gift of a child.  But I accept that that's my life and I'm making the best of it in the few ways I know how.  However, I still struggle.