So I told myself I would blog more...but between work, spending time with my husband, and dealing with all my emotions of being pregnant again, I haven't been able to find the energy...
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
New Year, New Faith
I know it's been awhile since I posted...yet again. One of my new year resolutions is to keep up with my blog again. I'm going to stick with one post a week...more if I have time, but one post a week. I have found that this is my therapy and by not posting, I don't have a place that I vent and express myself. My other new year resolution...the really big one...is to restore my faith.
Friday, December 13, 2013
Holidays 2013
It's been awhile since I posted. To be honest, I don't have a good excuse. I've had a lot going through my head and a lot to say, but just not sure why I didn't come here...part of it is probably because I wasn't sure how to say any of it...part of it because I probably shouldn't.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Day 17: Time
There are no words for the length of time I have been missing my baby boys....just that I've been missing them for too long and know that I will continue to miss them. Each day is a day further from their sweet, sensitive little bodies...but a step closer to someday getting to hold my babies again...
Day 16: Seasons
My favorite season is by far fall. I definitely enjoy all the seasons, but fall is the best, in my opinion. Summer gets too hot, spring is all muddy, and winter is way too long (and too cold sometimes, too!). Fall, the temperatures are perfect. Pumpkins and apples are fresh and yummy! The leaves are changing and it is beautiful all around me. Living in the Northeast with four different seasons is definitely a plus. Besides, we have some of the prettiest foliage!
Fall is also Halloween and Thanksgiving. I love carving my pumpkins and Thanksgiving is a favorite holiday in our home. We love cooking and spending time with our families. The food that you get to make in the fall is definitely the best. :) Pumpkin pie, donuts, apple crisp, sweet potato casserole, turkey, stuffing...all so yummy.
I like getting ready to hibernate for winter...planning the books I will read while curled up in my blanket. Catching up with movies and crocheting and knitting. I am a home body and it's a time to be able to curl up at home and just enjoy being in my home.
Fall is probably the one time of year that it is definite that things are changing. The leaves are changing colors and falling off of the trees. It is also the season my boys were born in. It is bittersweet. I missed last fall in my haze of depression. This year, I got to enjoy it. Though it was hard at times...realizing that I'm not celebrating fall with my babies like I should be.
Change. It is that reminder that things change and life has changed so very much. Of the people that are still here and those that have walked out of our lives. It is both painful and refreshing. Change is hard though. I like change, to an extent, but it is hard to see people you thought would always be there leave. For me change is also a fresh start. A way to start new and move forward. A reminder to move forward. Despite what life has thrown at us, we are accepting change and moving forward.
Fall is also Halloween and Thanksgiving. I love carving my pumpkins and Thanksgiving is a favorite holiday in our home. We love cooking and spending time with our families. The food that you get to make in the fall is definitely the best. :) Pumpkin pie, donuts, apple crisp, sweet potato casserole, turkey, stuffing...all so yummy.
I like getting ready to hibernate for winter...planning the books I will read while curled up in my blanket. Catching up with movies and crocheting and knitting. I am a home body and it's a time to be able to curl up at home and just enjoy being in my home.
Fall is probably the one time of year that it is definite that things are changing. The leaves are changing colors and falling off of the trees. It is also the season my boys were born in. It is bittersweet. I missed last fall in my haze of depression. This year, I got to enjoy it. Though it was hard at times...realizing that I'm not celebrating fall with my babies like I should be.
Change. It is that reminder that things change and life has changed so very much. Of the people that are still here and those that have walked out of our lives. It is both painful and refreshing. Change is hard though. I like change, to an extent, but it is hard to see people you thought would always be there leave. For me change is also a fresh start. A way to start new and move forward. A reminder to move forward. Despite what life has thrown at us, we are accepting change and moving forward.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Day 15: Wave of Light
I was so impressed by all the friends that honored my and other babies yesterday as part of the Wave of Light. It melts my hear that people would remember my boys but breaks it at the same time that so many other people know that hurt. I saw so many candles lit on my newsfeed and not just for my boys.
I was also surprised at how emotional I felt yesterday. I was hiding a lot of tears throughout the day. I'm not sure anyone would know. And who knows, maybe it's partially hormones. But, I wanted to cry...strangely I felt like yesterday was a bigger day than the anniversaries of losing the boys. I can't explain it, but it was hard. Maybe it was the reminder of all the other babies, too. I don't know.
But my candles were lit and I thought about and remembered my babies last night. I cried for them and missed them. But most of all, I loved them as I always have and will. Unconditional.
I was also surprised at how emotional I felt yesterday. I was hiding a lot of tears throughout the day. I'm not sure anyone would know. And who knows, maybe it's partially hormones. But, I wanted to cry...strangely I felt like yesterday was a bigger day than the anniversaries of losing the boys. I can't explain it, but it was hard. Maybe it was the reminder of all the other babies, too. I don't know.
But my candles were lit and I thought about and remembered my babies last night. I cried for them and missed them. But most of all, I loved them as I always have and will. Unconditional.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Day 14: Family
What does my family look like?
Well, there's the two of us and the dog. Penny might as well be our child. She basically is the baby of the family. I'm not sure she quite understands what it will mean when she's not the baby anymore. But she's the center of Cam's world and I love her quite a bit, too. ;)
We've also got Tabby and Tigger, our two cats. They're pretty central to our home, too. Our mousers and cuddlers. Then there's our ferrets. Our first babies. Cocoa, Salt, and Pepper.
All of our animals make up our family in our home. But our boys, they are the center of our world still. Their urns have an honored place in our home and we talk about them quite often. They are a part of all of the holidays and celebrations in our home. Not a day will go by that they aren't.
When more children make their way into our home, they will know about Samuel & Andrew. I will make sure of it. And I really hope that our families will continue to honor our first sons even when future children enter our family. No future child replaces those two boys. Ever. They will forever be the first babies in our family.
I'm not sure that there is much more to say about our family. Eventually it will grow again. Not sure when, but it will. Somehow, some way. I will not choose a life without a child in it. That lifestyle will never be for me. And I will do what it takes to get there....whatever that is. IVF, adoption, anything it takes....
Well, there's the two of us and the dog. Penny might as well be our child. She basically is the baby of the family. I'm not sure she quite understands what it will mean when she's not the baby anymore. But she's the center of Cam's world and I love her quite a bit, too. ;)
We've also got Tabby and Tigger, our two cats. They're pretty central to our home, too. Our mousers and cuddlers. Then there's our ferrets. Our first babies. Cocoa, Salt, and Pepper.
All of our animals make up our family in our home. But our boys, they are the center of our world still. Their urns have an honored place in our home and we talk about them quite often. They are a part of all of the holidays and celebrations in our home. Not a day will go by that they aren't.
When more children make their way into our home, they will know about Samuel & Andrew. I will make sure of it. And I really hope that our families will continue to honor our first sons even when future children enter our family. No future child replaces those two boys. Ever. They will forever be the first babies in our family.
I'm not sure that there is much more to say about our family. Eventually it will grow again. Not sure when, but it will. Somehow, some way. I will not choose a life without a child in it. That lifestyle will never be for me. And I will do what it takes to get there....whatever that is. IVF, adoption, anything it takes....
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