Friday, October 18, 2013
Day 17: Time
There are no words for the length of time I have been missing my baby boys....just that I've been missing them for too long and know that I will continue to miss them. Each day is a day further from their sweet, sensitive little bodies...but a step closer to someday getting to hold my babies again...
Day 16: Seasons
My favorite season is by far fall. I definitely enjoy all the seasons, but fall is the best, in my opinion. Summer gets too hot, spring is all muddy, and winter is way too long (and too cold sometimes, too!). Fall, the temperatures are perfect. Pumpkins and apples are fresh and yummy! The leaves are changing and it is beautiful all around me. Living in the Northeast with four different seasons is definitely a plus. Besides, we have some of the prettiest foliage!
Fall is also Halloween and Thanksgiving. I love carving my pumpkins and Thanksgiving is a favorite holiday in our home. We love cooking and spending time with our families. The food that you get to make in the fall is definitely the best. :) Pumpkin pie, donuts, apple crisp, sweet potato casserole, turkey, stuffing...all so yummy.
I like getting ready to hibernate for winter...planning the books I will read while curled up in my blanket. Catching up with movies and crocheting and knitting. I am a home body and it's a time to be able to curl up at home and just enjoy being in my home.
Fall is probably the one time of year that it is definite that things are changing. The leaves are changing colors and falling off of the trees. It is also the season my boys were born in. It is bittersweet. I missed last fall in my haze of depression. This year, I got to enjoy it. Though it was hard at times...realizing that I'm not celebrating fall with my babies like I should be.
Change. It is that reminder that things change and life has changed so very much. Of the people that are still here and those that have walked out of our lives. It is both painful and refreshing. Change is hard though. I like change, to an extent, but it is hard to see people you thought would always be there leave. For me change is also a fresh start. A way to start new and move forward. A reminder to move forward. Despite what life has thrown at us, we are accepting change and moving forward.
Fall is also Halloween and Thanksgiving. I love carving my pumpkins and Thanksgiving is a favorite holiday in our home. We love cooking and spending time with our families. The food that you get to make in the fall is definitely the best. :) Pumpkin pie, donuts, apple crisp, sweet potato casserole, turkey, stuffing...all so yummy.
I like getting ready to hibernate for winter...planning the books I will read while curled up in my blanket. Catching up with movies and crocheting and knitting. I am a home body and it's a time to be able to curl up at home and just enjoy being in my home.
Fall is probably the one time of year that it is definite that things are changing. The leaves are changing colors and falling off of the trees. It is also the season my boys were born in. It is bittersweet. I missed last fall in my haze of depression. This year, I got to enjoy it. Though it was hard at times...realizing that I'm not celebrating fall with my babies like I should be.
Change. It is that reminder that things change and life has changed so very much. Of the people that are still here and those that have walked out of our lives. It is both painful and refreshing. Change is hard though. I like change, to an extent, but it is hard to see people you thought would always be there leave. For me change is also a fresh start. A way to start new and move forward. A reminder to move forward. Despite what life has thrown at us, we are accepting change and moving forward.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Day 15: Wave of Light
I was so impressed by all the friends that honored my and other babies yesterday as part of the Wave of Light. It melts my hear that people would remember my boys but breaks it at the same time that so many other people know that hurt. I saw so many candles lit on my newsfeed and not just for my boys.
I was also surprised at how emotional I felt yesterday. I was hiding a lot of tears throughout the day. I'm not sure anyone would know. And who knows, maybe it's partially hormones. But, I wanted to cry...strangely I felt like yesterday was a bigger day than the anniversaries of losing the boys. I can't explain it, but it was hard. Maybe it was the reminder of all the other babies, too. I don't know.
But my candles were lit and I thought about and remembered my babies last night. I cried for them and missed them. But most of all, I loved them as I always have and will. Unconditional.
I was also surprised at how emotional I felt yesterday. I was hiding a lot of tears throughout the day. I'm not sure anyone would know. And who knows, maybe it's partially hormones. But, I wanted to cry...strangely I felt like yesterday was a bigger day than the anniversaries of losing the boys. I can't explain it, but it was hard. Maybe it was the reminder of all the other babies, too. I don't know.
But my candles were lit and I thought about and remembered my babies last night. I cried for them and missed them. But most of all, I loved them as I always have and will. Unconditional.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Day 14: Family
What does my family look like?
Well, there's the two of us and the dog. Penny might as well be our child. She basically is the baby of the family. I'm not sure she quite understands what it will mean when she's not the baby anymore. But she's the center of Cam's world and I love her quite a bit, too. ;)
We've also got Tabby and Tigger, our two cats. They're pretty central to our home, too. Our mousers and cuddlers. Then there's our ferrets. Our first babies. Cocoa, Salt, and Pepper.
All of our animals make up our family in our home. But our boys, they are the center of our world still. Their urns have an honored place in our home and we talk about them quite often. They are a part of all of the holidays and celebrations in our home. Not a day will go by that they aren't.
When more children make their way into our home, they will know about Samuel & Andrew. I will make sure of it. And I really hope that our families will continue to honor our first sons even when future children enter our family. No future child replaces those two boys. Ever. They will forever be the first babies in our family.
I'm not sure that there is much more to say about our family. Eventually it will grow again. Not sure when, but it will. Somehow, some way. I will not choose a life without a child in it. That lifestyle will never be for me. And I will do what it takes to get there....whatever that is. IVF, adoption, anything it takes....
Well, there's the two of us and the dog. Penny might as well be our child. She basically is the baby of the family. I'm not sure she quite understands what it will mean when she's not the baby anymore. But she's the center of Cam's world and I love her quite a bit, too. ;)
We've also got Tabby and Tigger, our two cats. They're pretty central to our home, too. Our mousers and cuddlers. Then there's our ferrets. Our first babies. Cocoa, Salt, and Pepper.
All of our animals make up our family in our home. But our boys, they are the center of our world still. Their urns have an honored place in our home and we talk about them quite often. They are a part of all of the holidays and celebrations in our home. Not a day will go by that they aren't.
When more children make their way into our home, they will know about Samuel & Andrew. I will make sure of it. And I really hope that our families will continue to honor our first sons even when future children enter our family. No future child replaces those two boys. Ever. They will forever be the first babies in our family.
I'm not sure that there is much more to say about our family. Eventually it will grow again. Not sure when, but it will. Somehow, some way. I will not choose a life without a child in it. That lifestyle will never be for me. And I will do what it takes to get there....whatever that is. IVF, adoption, anything it takes....
Day 12: Article and Day 13: Book
I figured these two went together pretty well, so why not post
together. Both are in regards to reading that helped in my grief
journey.
I have fallen in love with TED Talks over my business career. I think they are interesting and extremely educational. When I found this article, to find that it also had a TED Talk that talked about grief was pretty awesome. The article itself also resonated
http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/06/pardon-my-grief/
The problem is that so many people just dismiss grief because it makes them uncomfortable. As a result, I, as a grieving parent, am left uncomfortable when I tell you my baby died. I understand people don't know what to say and that makes them uncomfortable. But multiply that times 1,000,000 and that's about how uncomfortable I am. Every second. Every day. 365 days a year.
What's worse is people no longer talk to me. They don't know how. So they just don't. That's worse. It's the worst thing. And just yet another grieving process I have to deal with. Losing friends has probably been harder some days than the loss of my boys because I need them. But I'm starting to learn that those that are really my friends haven't gone anywhere. So for those that are still here. Thank you and I love you.
Articles on Still Standing have shown me I'm not alone and given me a sense of feeling like someone else just GETS it. I often wonder if I'm the only one...and by reading these articles, I know I'm not.
Books have been another release. I actually have a hard time reading fiction now. I've just not really been into reading at all. So I turn to non-fiction. Truly, I'll be honest, I read a lot of self-help books. Books on my PCOS and health. Books on adoption and raising adopted kids. And grief books.
My favorite book so far has been Empty Cradle Broken Heart (http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1555913024/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1381784165&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165). Even Cam read it. I felt like it shed so much light onto loss and understanding it. And after multiple chemical pregnancies (early miscarriages), I had never felt like I could group miscarriage with my loss. And although they are VERY different, the book also helped me see that type of loss as a loss, too. I don't what else to say about the book, but I have gifted it to a couple of different friends who have lost since me and I know both of those friends have enjoyed it as well. I would recommend it to anyone who has had a recent loss and plan to continue to gift it to friends and family who can benefit from it.
Reading...whether it's articles or books has helped me a lot. Message boards have been another help. Though I've stepped away from those some as it is too heartbreaking at times and brings back too many memories. But I do have a small group of friends (though it seems to keep growing) that can relate and we connect on different levels. That has been my biggest support. Other moms who know what it's like.
I have fallen in love with TED Talks over my business career. I think they are interesting and extremely educational. When I found this article, to find that it also had a TED Talk that talked about grief was pretty awesome. The article itself also resonated
http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/06/pardon-my-grief/
The problem is that so many people just dismiss grief because it makes them uncomfortable. As a result, I, as a grieving parent, am left uncomfortable when I tell you my baby died. I understand people don't know what to say and that makes them uncomfortable. But multiply that times 1,000,000 and that's about how uncomfortable I am. Every second. Every day. 365 days a year.
What's worse is people no longer talk to me. They don't know how. So they just don't. That's worse. It's the worst thing. And just yet another grieving process I have to deal with. Losing friends has probably been harder some days than the loss of my boys because I need them. But I'm starting to learn that those that are really my friends haven't gone anywhere. So for those that are still here. Thank you and I love you.
Articles on Still Standing have shown me I'm not alone and given me a sense of feeling like someone else just GETS it. I often wonder if I'm the only one...and by reading these articles, I know I'm not.
Books have been another release. I actually have a hard time reading fiction now. I've just not really been into reading at all. So I turn to non-fiction. Truly, I'll be honest, I read a lot of self-help books. Books on my PCOS and health. Books on adoption and raising adopted kids. And grief books.
My favorite book so far has been Empty Cradle Broken Heart (http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1555913024/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1381784165&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165). Even Cam read it. I felt like it shed so much light onto loss and understanding it. And after multiple chemical pregnancies (early miscarriages), I had never felt like I could group miscarriage with my loss. And although they are VERY different, the book also helped me see that type of loss as a loss, too. I don't what else to say about the book, but I have gifted it to a couple of different friends who have lost since me and I know both of those friends have enjoyed it as well. I would recommend it to anyone who has had a recent loss and plan to continue to gift it to friends and family who can benefit from it.
Reading...whether it's articles or books has helped me a lot. Message boards have been another help. Though I've stepped away from those some as it is too heartbreaking at times and brings back too many memories. But I do have a small group of friends (though it seems to keep growing) that can relate and we connect on different levels. That has been my biggest support. Other moms who know what it's like.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Day 11: Triggers
I took a day off from blog posts and now I'm going to catch up today. Today's topic...triggers...man, there are so many. Really, for me it is anything that triggers memories of the NICU.
It is pictures of isolettes and premature babies. It is seeing babies hooked up to machines. It is hearing that some baby is going through something like what my boys went through. It is hearing that someone's baby is doing well even because that just raises the feelings of why couldn't that have been MY babies. It hurts. It hurts to know that I didn't get that lucky. That my friends who have lost their babies didn't get that lucky.
It is pictures and commercials and movies and shows with twin boys. Knowing that I should be raising two beautiful little boys right now. It makes me miss them. It makes me realize that I will never have that. I was so looking forward to raising twins after I got used to the idea. And now I will never have that opportunity and it hurts. I'm so disappointed. And it's something that eventually I know I will get used to.
It's the idea that I may never have 2 children like I had always dreamed because to make a financially responsible decision for our family and to not put my life in danger more than one more time, we just may not be able to make it happen. Adoption is still out there and we aren't giving up on biological children, but if we have one healthy pregnancy and baby, we won't put my life or that of an unborn child at risk again. And if that never works? We can only do adoption once. And if it does, does spending the thousands of dollars on adoption make sense when that is money we could invest in our biological child's future? It's a tough decision and it scares me to think that we may never have two children...but that we did...and we lost out on raising them when they were born too soon.
It is the smell of hand sanitizer. That is probably one of the worst. And going back to the hospital. Yeah, that smell is there. And there's a certain soap that is used in the ICN...any smell similar to that. It is even sometimes just washing my hands...though I've become more of a germophobe since the ICN, so now I wash my hands MORE than ever.
It is going to that end of the hospital. Even if not on the same floor. Knowing that I am one floor below scares the living daylights out of me. I plan to visit the ICN this week and go back on my terms. I'm afraid it will be more difficult to go back if I'm going back with a sick baby if I don't go back at least once before I'm forced back there. I want to go back when I have a choice and right now I have a choice.
Triggers...they are exhausting. Because often they come at times when I don't have time to breakdown. When I need to keep it together because there is something else I need to deal with at the moment. So I hold it in until I am behind my closed door. And I just plow through the day and move forward. They are probably the biggest thing that catches me off guard and causes me to eventually break down. I am learning how to cope, but the triggers don't go away. I don't know that they ever will. I just learn how to deal with them...and keep it together when I need to and break down when I need to.
It is pictures of isolettes and premature babies. It is seeing babies hooked up to machines. It is hearing that some baby is going through something like what my boys went through. It is hearing that someone's baby is doing well even because that just raises the feelings of why couldn't that have been MY babies. It hurts. It hurts to know that I didn't get that lucky. That my friends who have lost their babies didn't get that lucky.
It is pictures and commercials and movies and shows with twin boys. Knowing that I should be raising two beautiful little boys right now. It makes me miss them. It makes me realize that I will never have that. I was so looking forward to raising twins after I got used to the idea. And now I will never have that opportunity and it hurts. I'm so disappointed. And it's something that eventually I know I will get used to.
It's the idea that I may never have 2 children like I had always dreamed because to make a financially responsible decision for our family and to not put my life in danger more than one more time, we just may not be able to make it happen. Adoption is still out there and we aren't giving up on biological children, but if we have one healthy pregnancy and baby, we won't put my life or that of an unborn child at risk again. And if that never works? We can only do adoption once. And if it does, does spending the thousands of dollars on adoption make sense when that is money we could invest in our biological child's future? It's a tough decision and it scares me to think that we may never have two children...but that we did...and we lost out on raising them when they were born too soon.
It is the smell of hand sanitizer. That is probably one of the worst. And going back to the hospital. Yeah, that smell is there. And there's a certain soap that is used in the ICN...any smell similar to that. It is even sometimes just washing my hands...though I've become more of a germophobe since the ICN, so now I wash my hands MORE than ever.
It is going to that end of the hospital. Even if not on the same floor. Knowing that I am one floor below scares the living daylights out of me. I plan to visit the ICN this week and go back on my terms. I'm afraid it will be more difficult to go back if I'm going back with a sick baby if I don't go back at least once before I'm forced back there. I want to go back when I have a choice and right now I have a choice.
Triggers...they are exhausting. Because often they come at times when I don't have time to breakdown. When I need to keep it together because there is something else I need to deal with at the moment. So I hold it in until I am behind my closed door. And I just plow through the day and move forward. They are probably the biggest thing that catches me off guard and causes me to eventually break down. I am learning how to cope, but the triggers don't go away. I don't know that they ever will. I just learn how to deal with them...and keep it together when I need to and break down when I need to.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Day 10: Beliefs
This is a hard topic. I know I'm going to offend or have people tell me that they think this or that. So let me preface this post by saying, it's okay if you don't agree with me. It's okay if you believe something different. BUT please don't discount what I believe and feel.
For a long time, I've questioned my beliefs from a religious perspective and have since called myself agnostic. I don't necessarily believe in any particular religion or god. I can't wrap my head around a religion or a god that would take a child from his mother. That would challenge someone's life the way mine has been challenged. I don't know that I can believe in a "God" who when I finally give in and pray to Him still brings my sons into this world too early. Still takes them from me when I cry to Him asking him to spare me the heartache...to keep my children here with me where they belong. There is no better place in the world for a child than in his mother's arms. There is no "plan" that anyone can convince me of that would explain why my sons are not here.
What I do believe is that eventually I will see my sons again. I have to believe that. It is the only way I can get through every day...believing that my angels are looking out for me and I will see them again. So I live each day, believing that, and believing that I can honor them with the person I am and that I can become.
I live each day with the philosophy that I can only do the best I can. I can still feel sad. I can still feel guilty. I can still be jealous and frustrated that my life isn't what I had expected. But I will also protect my family and friends. First and foremost, I will take care of me and honor my children. I deserve it and they deserve it. They deserve to know their momma will always take care of them. Learning how to parent children that are angels is nothing I ever thought I'd have to do...I'm figuring it out one day at a time.
For a long time, I've questioned my beliefs from a religious perspective and have since called myself agnostic. I don't necessarily believe in any particular religion or god. I can't wrap my head around a religion or a god that would take a child from his mother. That would challenge someone's life the way mine has been challenged. I don't know that I can believe in a "God" who when I finally give in and pray to Him still brings my sons into this world too early. Still takes them from me when I cry to Him asking him to spare me the heartache...to keep my children here with me where they belong. There is no better place in the world for a child than in his mother's arms. There is no "plan" that anyone can convince me of that would explain why my sons are not here.
What I do believe is that eventually I will see my sons again. I have to believe that. It is the only way I can get through every day...believing that my angels are looking out for me and I will see them again. So I live each day, believing that, and believing that I can honor them with the person I am and that I can become.
I live each day with the philosophy that I can only do the best I can. I can still feel sad. I can still feel guilty. I can still be jealous and frustrated that my life isn't what I had expected. But I will also protect my family and friends. First and foremost, I will take care of me and honor my children. I deserve it and they deserve it. They deserve to know their momma will always take care of them. Learning how to parent children that are angels is nothing I ever thought I'd have to do...I'm figuring it out one day at a time.
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