Day 14: Family

What does my family look like?

Well, there's the two of us and the dog.  Penny might as well be our child.  She basically is the baby of the family.  I'm not sure she quite understands what it will mean when she's not the baby anymore.  But she's the center of Cam's world and I love her quite a bit, too. ;)

We've also got Tabby and Tigger, our two cats.  They're pretty central to our home, too.  Our mousers and cuddlers.  Then there's our ferrets.  Our first babies.  Cocoa, Salt, and Pepper.

All of our animals make up our family in our home.  But our boys, they are the center of our world still.  Their urns have an honored place in our home and we talk about them quite often.  They are a part of all of the holidays and celebrations in our home.  Not a day will go by that they aren't.

When more children make their way into our home, they will know about Samuel & Andrew.  I will make sure of it.  And I really hope that our families will continue to honor our first sons even when future children enter our family.  No future child replaces those two boys.  Ever.  They will forever be the first babies in our family.

I'm not sure that there is much more to say about our family.  Eventually it will grow again.  Not sure when, but it will.  Somehow, some way.  I will not choose a life without a child in it. That lifestyle will never be for me.  And I will do what it takes to get there....whatever that is.  IVF, adoption, anything it takes....

Day 12: Article and Day 13: Book

I figured these two went together pretty well, so why not post together.  Both are in regards to reading that helped in my grief journey.

I have fallen in love with TED Talks over my business career.  I think they are interesting and extremely educational.  When I found this article, to find that it also had a TED Talk that talked about grief was pretty awesome.  The article itself also resonated

http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/06/pardon-my-grief/

The problem is that so many people just dismiss grief because it makes them uncomfortable.  As a result, I, as a grieving parent, am left uncomfortable when I tell you my baby died.  I understand people don't know what to say and that makes them uncomfortable.  But multiply that times 1,000,000 and that's about how uncomfortable I am.  Every second.  Every day.  365 days a year.

What's worse is people no longer talk to me.  They don't know how.  So they just don't.  That's worse.  It's the worst thing.  And just yet another grieving process I have to deal with.  Losing friends has probably been harder some days than the loss of my boys because I need them.  But I'm starting to learn that those that are really my friends haven't gone anywhere.  So for those that are still here.  Thank you and I love you.

Articles on Still Standing have shown me I'm not alone and given me a sense of feeling like someone else just GETS it.  I often wonder if I'm the only one...and by reading these articles, I know I'm not.

Books have been another release.  I actually have a hard time reading fiction now.  I've just not really been into reading at all.  So I turn to non-fiction.  Truly, I'll be honest, I read a lot of self-help books.  Books on my PCOS and health.  Books on adoption and raising adopted kids.  And grief books.

My favorite book so far has been Empty Cradle Broken Heart (http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1555913024/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1381784165&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165).  Even Cam read it.  I felt like it shed so much light onto loss and understanding it.  And after multiple chemical pregnancies (early miscarriages), I had never felt like I could group miscarriage with my loss.  And although they are VERY different, the book also helped me see that type of loss as a loss, too.  I don't what else to say about the book, but I have gifted it to a couple of different friends who have lost since me and I know both of those friends have enjoyed it as well.  I would recommend it to anyone who has had a recent loss and plan to continue to gift it to friends and family who can benefit from it.

Reading...whether it's articles or books has helped me a lot.  Message boards have been another help.  Though I've stepped away from those some as it is too heartbreaking at times and brings back too many memories.  But I do have a small group of friends (though it seems to keep growing) that can relate and we connect on different levels.  That has been my biggest support.  Other moms who know what it's like.

Day 11: Triggers

I took a day off from blog posts and now I'm going to catch up today.  Today's topic...triggers...man, there are so many.  Really, for me it is anything that triggers memories of the NICU.

It is pictures of isolettes and premature babies.  It is seeing babies hooked up to machines.  It is hearing that some baby is going through something like what my boys went through.  It is hearing that someone's baby is doing well even because that just raises the feelings of why couldn't that have been MY babies.  It hurts.  It hurts to know that I didn't get that lucky.  That my friends who have lost their babies didn't get that lucky.

It is pictures and commercials and movies and shows with twin boys.  Knowing that I should be raising two beautiful little boys right now.  It makes me miss them.  It makes me realize that I will never have that.  I was so looking forward to raising twins after I got used to the idea.  And now I will never have that opportunity and it hurts.  I'm so disappointed.  And it's something that eventually I know I will get used to.

It's the idea that I may never have 2 children like I had always dreamed because to make a financially responsible decision for our family and to not put my life in danger more than one more time, we just may not be able to make it happen.  Adoption is still out there and we aren't giving up on biological children, but if we have one healthy pregnancy and baby, we won't put my life or that of an unborn child at risk again.  And if that never works?  We can only do adoption once.  And if it does, does spending the thousands of dollars on adoption make sense when that is money we could invest in our biological child's future?  It's a tough decision and it scares me to think that we may never have two children...but that we did...and we lost out on raising them when they were born too soon.

It is the smell of hand sanitizer.  That is probably one of the worst.  And going back to the hospital.  Yeah, that smell is there.  And there's a certain soap that is used in the ICN...any smell similar to that.  It is even sometimes just washing my hands...though I've become more of a germophobe since the ICN, so now I wash my hands MORE than ever.

It is going to that end of the hospital.  Even if not on the same floor.  Knowing that I am one floor below scares the living daylights out of me.  I plan to visit the ICN this week and go back on my terms.  I'm afraid it will be more difficult to go back if I'm going back with a sick baby if I don't go back at least once before I'm forced back there.  I want to go back when I have a choice and right now I have a choice.

Triggers...they are exhausting.  Because often they come at times when I don't have time to breakdown.  When I need to keep it together because there is something else I need to deal with at the moment.  So I hold it in until I am behind my closed door.  And I just plow through the day and move forward.  They are probably the biggest thing that catches me off guard and causes me to eventually break down.  I am learning how to cope, but the triggers don't go away.  I don't know that they ever will.  I just learn how to deal with them...and keep it together when I need to and break down when I need to.

Day 10: Beliefs

This is a hard topic.  I know I'm going to offend or have people tell me that they think this or that.  So let me preface this post by saying, it's okay if you don't agree with me.  It's okay if you believe something different.  BUT please don't discount what I believe and feel.

For a long time, I've questioned my beliefs from a religious perspective and have since called myself agnostic.  I don't necessarily believe in any particular religion or god.  I can't wrap my head around a religion or a god that would take a child from his mother.  That would challenge someone's life the way mine has been challenged.  I don't know that I can believe in a "God" who when I finally give in and pray to Him still brings my sons into this world too early.  Still takes them from me when I cry to Him asking him to spare me the heartache...to keep my children here with me where they belong.  There is no better place in the world for a child than in his mother's arms.  There is no "plan" that anyone can convince me of that would explain why my sons are not here.

What I do believe is that eventually I will see my sons again.  I have to believe that.  It is the only way I can get through every day...believing that my angels are looking out for me and I will see them again.  So I live each day, believing that, and believing that I can honor them with the person I am and that I can become.

I live each day with the philosophy that I can only do the best I can.  I can still feel sad.  I can still feel guilty.  I can still be jealous and frustrated that my life isn't what I had expected.  But I will also protect my family and friends.  First and foremost, I will take care of me and honor my children.  I deserve it and they deserve it.  They deserve to know their momma will always take care of them.  Learning how to parent children that are angels is nothing I ever thought I'd have to do...I'm figuring it out one day at a time.

Day 9: Music

There are many songs that bring up different memories.  For instance, "Pontoon" makes me think of the first time I could drive after the boys were born (thank you c-section).  It was my favorite song on the radio at the time and was the first song that came on the first time I got back behind the wheel.  Or "Every Storm Runs out of Rain" which I posted as my music in Capture Your Grief last year because it was on ALL the time and just always made me think of the tears that kept coming.

This song, Miranda Lambert's "Over You" was a song that became popular as I got really close to another loss momma who has become one of my closest friends.  The one I can't go very many days without talking to because she means so much to me.  The two of us went to Miranda's concert in February and both of us cried with Miranda as she sang this song.  It is so true...I'll never be over my babies.  NEVER.  And anyone who expects me to be is lying to themselves and will eventually realize that if you push it, I am going to shut you out.  I will never be over it or over my children.

Day 8: Color

I don't know at which point each of our boys got their "color."  It just seemed to happen that Sammy always had blue and Andy always had green. But really, I think that came after they had already passed away. Perhaps my way of having a special color to distinguish them as two unique little boys. Everything I have created for them has used this color distinction and it just seems to stick.  Typically blue is what I use in most circumstances given their birthstone is a sapphire though. How fitting it is that that is the case. Their urns are blue and I wear a sapphire ring as my mothers ring. It's all just become such a natural habit...

Day 7: You Now

I'm not sure I could say that I'm grieving less...or feel better...or that life is great.  What I can say is that I've learned to appreciate life so much more.  To count my blessings and see the positive in every day.  But I still have bad days.  I still often cry.  Triggers still bring me to my knees...and there are so many triggers.  I try to face my fears, but sometimes even that is debilitating.  I feel drained after...like I've run a marathon.  I could sleep for hours those days.

And lately, I'm back to my coping mechanism...my knitting and crocheting.  I have to say, that was what got me through my days after the boys.  It was the only thing that distracted me enough to not breakdown every second of every day.  And I see the stress and frustration in myself as I am back into that pattern.  Where I'd rather sit at home and watch a movie and knit or crochet than to go out and visit friends or do anything else.  I always really have been a homebody...but I feel so much more inclined to stay home again.  It's not that I don't want to see friends, but I just don't feel the energy to go out and see people.  I don't know whether that's work related (it's been busy lately), or if it's the fact that now that I've hit the first year marks that I'm still circling...like before I hit the one year marks, I had something to look toward...hitting that...and now what?  IVF? Adoption?  Because neither of those induce stress or anxiety (insert sarcasm).

All I know is that I definitely do have more strong days than weak ones.  More days where I can feel myself smile rather than cry.  But it's still this battle every day not to cry.  Not to break down.  I still struggle seeing women pregnant.  Hearing pregnancy announcements.  Half the time I just want to scream.  Other times I just want to shake those women and say, pregnancy is a beautiful thing, but I think it's SO private.  It is wonderful, and believe me, I will be one of the first to say it will be hard not to yell it from the rooftops when I am pregnant again...but it hurts...and so many people don't understand how to be sensitive about it.  Whether that's around someone who has problems with fertility or someone who has lost a child.  Either way, it is SO important to know that others are fighting their battles and you don't know who is fighting one for what reasons.  Everyone has their own.  I just wish more people would understand that as excited as you are about your pregnancy, the person next to you may be wondering "why not me?" or "will that ever be me?"  And strangely...as I've said before...I struggle SO much more with pregnancy than I do with babies...and that's probably the biggest thing that has not changed.  People just don't appreciate the miracle of it.  *sigh*

So I guess I still have a lot of resentment and frustration.  And that's my weakness.  My biggest weakness.  I don't even know how to cope with it.  I've done the best I can and I really do keep my mouth shut about a lot of the things I'd like to say to people.  I guess that's my way of coping...to just bottle it in so as not to hurt people with my true thoughts.

Positive changes?  I've lost a lot more weight.  Made positive diet and exercise changes.  Been so much more active.  Weeded through the people in my life and chosen to keep in touch with those who can be as much my friend as I can be for them.  Eliminated the ones who make me feel worse rather than better.  And changed jobs to a place that I love going to work every day.  Where I feel challenged.  A job that will be the right fit when we do have a family.  I just know that so many things have happened that are good, too.  My life isn't all bad.  I just feel like I have had more challenges than most.  Someday, maybe, something in my life will come easy like it seems to for all the other lucky people in the world.  Someday I will feel like I am 100% fulfilled.  But until I get to hold, love, and raise my own child in this world, I know I won't be fulfilled.  I'm still searching for that one missing piece...honestly, I feel like that is ALL that is missing in my life at this point...though I know I will always miss my boys, I don't feel like I will be searching once I have that child in my arms...