Infertility Blues

I've been busy lately...March of Dimes follow-up...some new charity projects...new (busy) job...getting my house organized...friends and family visiting...focusing on my health...all amongst dealing with the infertility road all over again.

I wish I knew

I wish I knew why this happened. I wish it didn't happen to so many people. As I talk about my experience I meet more people who have been through this journey. It's comforting and sad at the same time. 

I wish I knew why my body did this to me. Why it can't work the way it's supposed to. Why I can't get pregnant so naturally and easily as so many other people can. Why does being responsible mean that I can't get what I want more than anything on this earth?

I wish I knew how to get over this. How to move forward and forget. Part of me never wants to forget. I want my boys memory to be kept alive. But a part I'd me wants my life to go back to that innocence...to that pain free time. Because now I will live the rest of my life in pain. Hurting and missing my babies. It doesn't seem fair. 

I wish I knew what to do. How to pull myself together and just be me again. I am falling apart every minute anew I hate it. I cry at the drop of a hat and I hate myself because of that. I just want to be able to keep it together. 

I wish I knew how to show more people that this road isn't easy. I think people look at me and think that I have it together. I really don't. I promise you, I don't. My house is a disaster. My friendships keep falling apart. I cry. I can't get anything done short of my job. I throw myself at that. That's the only thing and place that I feel like I can keep it together and keep up that appearance that I'm okay. I'm not okay. I miss my babies. I miss my life the way it used to be. I want my happiness back. I want to be a mom. And I want to know why my body fails me of that...

Memorial Day

Today, I take a moment to think.  About all the people in my life that I should thank for their sacrifice.  Whether that sacrifice was a few months away from home, a few years...a limb...or a life.  My family history, past and present, is wrought with men and even a few women, who gave some or all of their lives for the freedoms that so many people in this country take for granted.

Reading and Such

I've found lately that I don't enjoy the things I used to.  I feel like maybe I'm this new and different person, but a part of me still longs for those parts of the old me.  I used to read.  All. The. Time.  I would read book after book and find it impossible to stop.  Now, it's like pulling teeth.  Only recently have I picked up a book and really gotten into it...let myself go somewhere in my own thoughts...in the words of the text.  It's hard because for the longest time my mind would wander.  I couldn't keep reading.  I was reading non-fiction...self-help and adoption books...because that's all that I could read in short bursts.

Openness

I started my new job this week...and keep forgetting to make phone calls, so obviously my blog has fallen by the wayside, too.  I need to set up a time on my calendar at least once a week just to update my blog! I feel like that's how crazy I have been lately.  Vacation event felt more busy than my normal work weeks!

March for Babies 2013 - Our Walk to Remember

I realized that since I've been on vacation this week, I never came back to write about our March for Babies event last weekend.  March for Babies is an event that is done throughout the nation.  Our event was at the hospital where our boys lived for their short lives.  It was rain or shine and although it was threatening rain, it held off until after our walk...and even after our family barbecue!

Mother's Day Anger

So it's here.  Mother's Day.  The day that a year ago, I dreamed of spending with my babies.  Cuddling and smiling and having a good day.  Now I just know that it's not a good day.  It's not something to celebrate.  Who celebrates not having their babies here?  I know I'm a mom...everyone can tell me that...but I don't feel it.  I feel lost.  I feel like my world is crashing again because this stupid Hallmark holiday is just a reminder, yet again, of what I don't have.