I figure I've been updating everyone on Sammy and keep getting questions about how I am doing. I sometimes have to remember that I was sick and that I had major surgery. I've been so focused on Sammy that I haven't even really remembered!
So I should explain first that I actually had what the OBs referred to as a "T-"Section. Although I only have the straight line across the bottom of my belly like a normal C-Section, when they cut my uterus, it was actually cut more in a T-shape. I'm not 100% sure why this is, but was told before my surgery (I vaguely remember) that the type of C-section they were doing would mean that I would always have to have C-sections for any future children. Of course at the time that was the furthest thing from my mind...and to be honest, I'm not sure that I even remember signing the consent for my surgery, soooo is that like legal? I was so sick and so out of it and all I wanted was to feel better, I just don't remember anything.
This reminds me that I don't think I ever really explained what happened after my surgery to me...or even how my surgery went! Forgive me if I have, but I'll reiterate a bit. Because of my low platelets, the anesthesiologists really needed to converse with me about any additional medical history that could affect my anesthesia for the surgery. In my circumstance, I was given the option for a spinal versus general anesthesia. Because a spinal meant Cam being with me and meant hearing when my babies were actually born (or so I thought), I chose that. I was terrified up until that moment of a spinal. To be honest, it really wasn't bad. The anesthesiologist I had was AMAZING and I can't complain at all. The downside is that once they had the boys out (the anesthesiologist told me they were both out after they were delivered), I started vomiting and getting extremely light headed. At that point they told me that I would have at least another 30 minutes before they had me stitched up. I felt so horrible. They offered me light anesthesia to put me to sleep for the rest. With all the pulling and tugging and pressure I could feel as well as feeling so sick, I agreed...again not sure I really remember agreeing, but I did. At that point, the hope was Cam would go with the boys anyways, so it didn't really matter that I would be asleep.
After my surgery, I got back to my room and Cam was still there. Nervous wreck. Partially because I was in surgery without him and partially because he hadn't been to see the boys yet. I was surprised he wasn't with the boys! In all actuality, we didn't get to see the boys (either of us) until they were 3 hours old. We still don't really know why, but it seems that it was because it took so long to stabilize them.
So anyways, that's MY side of the story (other than them just being born which I know I talked about a bit already).
Physical Recovery - I've been taking Motrin during the day and Percocet at night. I find that getting out of bed when I wake up in the middle of the night is painful but otherwise, I don't really have any pain left. I've been able to go down to 1-2 Percocet a night and then Motrin 2-3 times a day. And, actually, today I took Percocet at midnight when I went to bed and then Motrin at 6 when I woke up and that's IT. I'm going to try taking Motrin tonight before bed instead of Percocet and see how that goes. It's not even me being brave...I haven't been in pain at all! :) Yay me! The initial pain was a bit much...when my nerves started recovering and getting feeling back. It's a burning feeling...like your stomach is on FIRE. But the pain meds definitely worked, so that's good! I did need quite a bit of the IV pain meds the day after my surgery, but by the second day I was on orals, so that was good. And to be honest, I barely wanted out of bed that first day...moving was SO painful! But my day nurse that day forced me out of bed and by the end of the day (when I was of the mag sulfate), my catheter was out and I was walking to the bathroom on my own. :) I do have to say that the pain of my C-section was about half that of the pain I had when my liver was swelling. At least there is relief from the C-section pain with pain meds...no pain meds could curb my pain before my surgery. :-S
Emotional Recovery - Welllll, this is a different ball game. Hormones are a crazy crazy thing. And of course the emotional roller coaster of now being among the NICU moms doesn't help much at all either. Sammy had a great day today and I still had a complete emotional break down tonight. I had one earlier today, too thanks to my frustration with pumping (post on that later...maybe when I get up in the middle of the night to pump...). This has been the craziest ride of my life. And who cares that the boys were delivered before I was even third trimester...the hormones coming off of being pregnant still suck. Cam tells me I'm more emotional now than I was when I was pregnant. :-S I've been thinking too far ahead some (again, more on that soon, too...that constitutes a whole separate post...). And then other days, I remember Andy. What's hard is we haven't really mourned Andy because our focus turned to Sammy almost immediately. So needless to say, I have a lot of emotions that tend to come up surrounding that loss...and it seems like it happens fairly randomly. :-S
Sleeping - I don't sleep much. Last night I slept 6 hours straight for the first time since the boys were born. :-S And I didn't pump last night which I'm learning is part of my problem. :-S UGH! So now I have an alarm set for every 3-4 hours to pump...again, more on the pumping situation separately....
Eating - I'm finally getting my appetite back now that a) I'm off most of the meds, and b) I'm not as stressed out and worried. I know I need to get on a better eating schedule soon and that this ALSO can be affecting my pumping...
Relationship - Cam and I are stronger than ever...I can't imagine having a more amazing man in my life to go through this with. He is wonderful and supportive and understanding. I know he gets frustrated with my emotions, but I know it's because he doesn't know how to soothe me sometimes. And also I know it's because he's also dealing with some of the same emotions. And unlike me, he does have to go back to work because he doesn't get medical leave. We will be testing those waters soon... In the meantime, it's been SO wonderful to have him with me this entire time. We are so lucky he has such an understanding employer. If he were back at work and I were doing this all on my own right now, I would be even more of a wreck than I already am! I love my husband more than words can say and seeing him become a dad over the past week has made me love him even more. I am so very blessed.
So I think that's about it...I probably owe more on the emotional roller coaster piece surrounding a bunch of the other stuff going on besides Sammy being in the NICU, but I figure this is a start!
Monday, September 10, 2012
Sammy the Micro Preemie
I had never really heard the term "micro preemie" until a friend delivered her son early last year also thanks to HELLP. I could never really wrap my head around what the term meant. Well, now I know. My little "super Sam" as a friend has referred to him, is a micro-preemie. He's so small. I don't even know that until you come and see him in person that you can fathom how very small a 1lb 6.6 oz baby is. And he is actually even less now as he lost some fluid weight. As of yesterday, we were at 1lb 4.4oz, almost 2 full oz smaller. Not that that's that much, but when you only weigh a pound, it adds up!
I don't even know how to explain to any mom who has had a remotely close to full term baby how small Sammy is. Of course, I can't hold him, so it's not like even I fully understand how small he is other than the fact that I stare at him for HOURS. We do have pictures of Cam's hand in with him and it's unbelievable. There are no words to explain how unbelievable it is!
I am a proud Momma this morning...we haven't called or been to see him yet, but I'm just proud. I am hopeful. That is the first time I've been able to say that in a week. I'm still a very nervous wreck, but even the annoying doctor came by last night and told us that Sammy is headed in the right direction. It makes me confident that we did the right thing when we chose to start the steroids. Even better, we were told that they are already weaning him off the steroids!! He was only on his "full" dosage for 3 doses and they started weaning him!! He receives the meds twice a day and we were told he would likely need it for at the very least 3 days and they are already weaning him off! I am so happy!
We were also told he got pulled off his blood pressure medication. Although he's had some highs and some lows, his blood pressure has been fairly consistent. I won't be surprised if he has to go back on it, but for now he's holding his own. :) On top of that, little did Momma know, but he's been getting TPN for the past few days, too. GREAT news because it means we're one step closer to getting more breast milk! His nurse yesterday told us that could even be as soon as later this week! Obviously very very little, but still! And he may even start lipids later this week, too. Lipids are the fats that will help him gain a bit of weight. More weight = closer to Momma getting to hold me.
Sammy will be 1 week old tonight, which means tomorrow he'll get his head ultrasound to make sure he doesn't have any bleeding on his brain. However, with no signs or reason to believe he has one, I'm confident we'll be okay. Especially since I received the steroids before they were born and he has been receiving them after, it is likely that this has helped prevent brain bleeds. I'm not going to say I'm 100% sure he won't have one, but I'm very hopeful that he won't.
Let's see, what else did we find out yesterday...his blood sugars got a bit high yesterday, but no where near the spikes we saw right after he was born. We're hoping that they can adjust his fluids to bring this down today. It also could be relative to the way they were adjusting his ventilator yesterday. And yes, ventilators...he was down to 76% O2 yesterday and had fairly good blood gases. His blood acidity wasn't bad either. All good things.
I'm starting to learn terminology and learning what questions to ask. Thanks to so many NICU moms that have reached out to me or I have been put in touch with, I can start to understand and question my baby's care. It makes me feel like I have some control over his care when I can't be the one providing it to him.
I think that's the hardest part right now. I know that there's nothing I could have done to have kept him in my belly longer, but at least then I had a way to care for him. I have days here where I feel so out of control. I feel like Sammy is the nurses' baby and not mine. They are great about talking to me about him and don't mind when I make adjustments to his legs when he throws them out to the sides...or readjust his temperature probe when it starts to fall off. Little things, but the only things right now that make me feel like he's MY baby and not property of the hospital he's confined to. It's hard at times to feel like a Mom when I'm not holding or caring for my baby. I was telling Cam last night that it's surreal to be a Mom right now because he's not here with me all the time. Of course I know it's the best thing for him and will be for a long time, but it doesn't make it easier to wrap your head around. We've been parents for a week. I am someone's Mommy and Cam is that same someone's Daddy. We are Sammy's Mommy and Daddy...I have to repeat it occasionally because it doesn't seem possible.
A week ago we were just thinking about how much it would change us...no one can EVER describe the change to you in full detail so that you can wrap your head around it...becoming a parent is such a surreal experience. We worry about him constantly! We haven't been able to go more than 2 miles from the hospital (for 5 minutes for a coffee, so not even a big feat) yet. We are thinking we MAY get brave today, but we'll see!
Sammy - Mommy and Daddy love you very much. Andy is your guardian angel and always will be, so make sure you don't forget it. Hang in there because in another few months you'll be home safe and sound with us and celebrating your first Christmas! :)
I don't even know how to explain to any mom who has had a remotely close to full term baby how small Sammy is. Of course, I can't hold him, so it's not like even I fully understand how small he is other than the fact that I stare at him for HOURS. We do have pictures of Cam's hand in with him and it's unbelievable. There are no words to explain how unbelievable it is!
I am a proud Momma this morning...we haven't called or been to see him yet, but I'm just proud. I am hopeful. That is the first time I've been able to say that in a week. I'm still a very nervous wreck, but even the annoying doctor came by last night and told us that Sammy is headed in the right direction. It makes me confident that we did the right thing when we chose to start the steroids. Even better, we were told that they are already weaning him off the steroids!! He was only on his "full" dosage for 3 doses and they started weaning him!! He receives the meds twice a day and we were told he would likely need it for at the very least 3 days and they are already weaning him off! I am so happy!
We were also told he got pulled off his blood pressure medication. Although he's had some highs and some lows, his blood pressure has been fairly consistent. I won't be surprised if he has to go back on it, but for now he's holding his own. :) On top of that, little did Momma know, but he's been getting TPN for the past few days, too. GREAT news because it means we're one step closer to getting more breast milk! His nurse yesterday told us that could even be as soon as later this week! Obviously very very little, but still! And he may even start lipids later this week, too. Lipids are the fats that will help him gain a bit of weight. More weight = closer to Momma getting to hold me.
Sammy will be 1 week old tonight, which means tomorrow he'll get his head ultrasound to make sure he doesn't have any bleeding on his brain. However, with no signs or reason to believe he has one, I'm confident we'll be okay. Especially since I received the steroids before they were born and he has been receiving them after, it is likely that this has helped prevent brain bleeds. I'm not going to say I'm 100% sure he won't have one, but I'm very hopeful that he won't.
Let's see, what else did we find out yesterday...his blood sugars got a bit high yesterday, but no where near the spikes we saw right after he was born. We're hoping that they can adjust his fluids to bring this down today. It also could be relative to the way they were adjusting his ventilator yesterday. And yes, ventilators...he was down to 76% O2 yesterday and had fairly good blood gases. His blood acidity wasn't bad either. All good things.
I'm starting to learn terminology and learning what questions to ask. Thanks to so many NICU moms that have reached out to me or I have been put in touch with, I can start to understand and question my baby's care. It makes me feel like I have some control over his care when I can't be the one providing it to him.
I think that's the hardest part right now. I know that there's nothing I could have done to have kept him in my belly longer, but at least then I had a way to care for him. I have days here where I feel so out of control. I feel like Sammy is the nurses' baby and not mine. They are great about talking to me about him and don't mind when I make adjustments to his legs when he throws them out to the sides...or readjust his temperature probe when it starts to fall off. Little things, but the only things right now that make me feel like he's MY baby and not property of the hospital he's confined to. It's hard at times to feel like a Mom when I'm not holding or caring for my baby. I was telling Cam last night that it's surreal to be a Mom right now because he's not here with me all the time. Of course I know it's the best thing for him and will be for a long time, but it doesn't make it easier to wrap your head around. We've been parents for a week. I am someone's Mommy and Cam is that same someone's Daddy. We are Sammy's Mommy and Daddy...I have to repeat it occasionally because it doesn't seem possible.
A week ago we were just thinking about how much it would change us...no one can EVER describe the change to you in full detail so that you can wrap your head around it...becoming a parent is such a surreal experience. We worry about him constantly! We haven't been able to go more than 2 miles from the hospital (for 5 minutes for a coffee, so not even a big feat) yet. We are thinking we MAY get brave today, but we'll see!
Sammy - Mommy and Daddy love you very much. Andy is your guardian angel and always will be, so make sure you don't forget it. Hang in there because in another few months you'll be home safe and sound with us and celebrating your first Christmas! :)
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Sammy - Day 4 in the ICN
We went to see Sammy this morning. He was a real wiggle butt kicking his legs around and trying to move his arms into a comfortable spot. He was even sucking on his breathing tube and trying to move his hand up to his mouth. It made me feel like even though he's a really sick little boy that he has some normal behavior of a baby.
We went again at lunch time and he was really sucking up a storm. It made me smile seeing his little tongue stick out and lick the breathing tube. And he kept curling up and pulling his hands to his face. He also couldn't keep his left leg propped up where they wanted it...he kept throwing it off to the side so he was basically spread eagle. Silly little boy. It's the first day I've felt like I could smile and enjoy what a beautiful little boy I have.
I haven't been on to actually update on where we're at with Samuel, so let's go back a bit and talk about what's going on as it will make things make a bit more sense...it will also save me having to explain what's going on to lots of different people by posting it in one spot.
Before we left the hospital yesterday morning Dr. Saresh and his resident, Michelle, came in and talked with us in our hospital room about Sammy. It's scary when they want to talk outside of the ICN and want to sit down and talk...after such a rough night I started to freak out a bit. Obviously I'm still freaking out, but it just doesn't make your nerves calm at all. The doctor told us he was starting to get worried about Sammy...bad sign. Sammy's lungs have a problem called P.I.E. though it's not too bad. This means that he has air pockets on the sides of his lungs. It's very common in preemies but can cause lots of problems and worries. Another part of the issue is that Sammy's lungs aren't as porous and spongy like they should be. They are overworked and getting hard. On top of that, they are getting hyper expanded thanks to his dependency on the respirator. All not good things. These are all also things that for Andrew happened very fast and eventually were part of the reason we lost him. Not feeling so good.
The good news is that Sammy isn't as sick as Andrew was yet. They wanted to talk to us about giving Sammy steroids, dexamethasone to be exact. The reason why they don't just do it is because research they have has shown it possibly can lead to higher risks of cerebal palsy or other developmental issues. They brought us the research studies and told us to take our time to make the decision. The sooner the better, but we had time. We reviewed everything, read about other preemies and determined that the chances this could help Sammy were much much greater than the risks of him having the medication. First big medical decision we had to make as parents for our baby boy. The truth is, all the research they provided and all the information we could find were inconclusive. How can you have a control group of preemies? Or people for that matter? There are so many variables that there is no confirmation that this medication has any connection or whether just being a preemie leads to the issues they are talking about. So Sammy got the first dosage of the medication yesterday afternoon.
We went back last night and were told that his X-ray of his lungs showed no change. That's not surprising. He'd just gotten the medication and the respiratory therapists had had to play with his settings moving around his oxygen levels a lot yesterday. We met the weekend doctor who is in all weekend in place of Dr. Saresh, too. Dr. Darnell...I don't like him. He was not very comforting about Sammy. It's not like we don't know that our son is extremely sick, but one could be compassionate about it! He just didn't give me a good vibe at all. Dr. Saresh seems to have great confidence in this doctor though, so I need to trust that he is good and knows what he's doing. For me though, bedside manner is everything and I just didn't like this doctor's bedside manner. He was telling us that touching Sammy (holding his hand, etc.) was affecting his oxygenation because preemies of his age don't like to be touched. We know that Sammy has been very finicky about his position and about touch (he especially doesn't like a diaper change or a wet diaper!), but every time we've been around him, touching and talking, his oxygen levels have gone UP not down. So I tend to think that that's a load of crap. My son would not be gripping my finger for dear life if he didn't want me there touching him.
I have noticed that Sammy responds really well to Camden's voice of all things. It's nice to see. It makes me smile to hear Cam talk to him. I want so much for us to be able to hold Sam, but I know that it's not good for him right now...I'm just really looking forward to that day...I need that right now. Soon enough though...we just need Sammy to get better first...and gain a bit of weight too, that would be good.
Today's nurse was with Sammy the other day and I like her. I really need to create a whole separate post about nurses because I've already learned a lot in that realm...
Anyways...needless to say, it's now a waiting game to see how well this medication is going to work. We are told that we may not see improvement for a few days. But they are talking about leaving Sammy on the meds for only 3 days and then weaning him off (they can't just stop it, they need to wean). I'm hoping we'll have a better idea of how it's going on Monday afternoon and see even just a small improvement! We were told that Sammy will have a quiet afternoon and no other X-rays until tomorrow, so no new information until then.
For now we're just relaxing and getting into a good routine of visiting him 4-5 times a day. Headed back over in about an hour...looking forward to spending more time with my baby...
We went again at lunch time and he was really sucking up a storm. It made me smile seeing his little tongue stick out and lick the breathing tube. And he kept curling up and pulling his hands to his face. He also couldn't keep his left leg propped up where they wanted it...he kept throwing it off to the side so he was basically spread eagle. Silly little boy. It's the first day I've felt like I could smile and enjoy what a beautiful little boy I have.
I haven't been on to actually update on where we're at with Samuel, so let's go back a bit and talk about what's going on as it will make things make a bit more sense...it will also save me having to explain what's going on to lots of different people by posting it in one spot.
Before we left the hospital yesterday morning Dr. Saresh and his resident, Michelle, came in and talked with us in our hospital room about Sammy. It's scary when they want to talk outside of the ICN and want to sit down and talk...after such a rough night I started to freak out a bit. Obviously I'm still freaking out, but it just doesn't make your nerves calm at all. The doctor told us he was starting to get worried about Sammy...bad sign. Sammy's lungs have a problem called P.I.E. though it's not too bad. This means that he has air pockets on the sides of his lungs. It's very common in preemies but can cause lots of problems and worries. Another part of the issue is that Sammy's lungs aren't as porous and spongy like they should be. They are overworked and getting hard. On top of that, they are getting hyper expanded thanks to his dependency on the respirator. All not good things. These are all also things that for Andrew happened very fast and eventually were part of the reason we lost him. Not feeling so good.
The good news is that Sammy isn't as sick as Andrew was yet. They wanted to talk to us about giving Sammy steroids, dexamethasone to be exact. The reason why they don't just do it is because research they have has shown it possibly can lead to higher risks of cerebal palsy or other developmental issues. They brought us the research studies and told us to take our time to make the decision. The sooner the better, but we had time. We reviewed everything, read about other preemies and determined that the chances this could help Sammy were much much greater than the risks of him having the medication. First big medical decision we had to make as parents for our baby boy. The truth is, all the research they provided and all the information we could find were inconclusive. How can you have a control group of preemies? Or people for that matter? There are so many variables that there is no confirmation that this medication has any connection or whether just being a preemie leads to the issues they are talking about. So Sammy got the first dosage of the medication yesterday afternoon.
We went back last night and were told that his X-ray of his lungs showed no change. That's not surprising. He'd just gotten the medication and the respiratory therapists had had to play with his settings moving around his oxygen levels a lot yesterday. We met the weekend doctor who is in all weekend in place of Dr. Saresh, too. Dr. Darnell...I don't like him. He was not very comforting about Sammy. It's not like we don't know that our son is extremely sick, but one could be compassionate about it! He just didn't give me a good vibe at all. Dr. Saresh seems to have great confidence in this doctor though, so I need to trust that he is good and knows what he's doing. For me though, bedside manner is everything and I just didn't like this doctor's bedside manner. He was telling us that touching Sammy (holding his hand, etc.) was affecting his oxygenation because preemies of his age don't like to be touched. We know that Sammy has been very finicky about his position and about touch (he especially doesn't like a diaper change or a wet diaper!), but every time we've been around him, touching and talking, his oxygen levels have gone UP not down. So I tend to think that that's a load of crap. My son would not be gripping my finger for dear life if he didn't want me there touching him.
I have noticed that Sammy responds really well to Camden's voice of all things. It's nice to see. It makes me smile to hear Cam talk to him. I want so much for us to be able to hold Sam, but I know that it's not good for him right now...I'm just really looking forward to that day...I need that right now. Soon enough though...we just need Sammy to get better first...and gain a bit of weight too, that would be good.
Today's nurse was with Sammy the other day and I like her. I really need to create a whole separate post about nurses because I've already learned a lot in that realm...
Anyways...needless to say, it's now a waiting game to see how well this medication is going to work. We are told that we may not see improvement for a few days. But they are talking about leaving Sammy on the meds for only 3 days and then weaning him off (they can't just stop it, they need to wean). I'm hoping we'll have a better idea of how it's going on Monday afternoon and see even just a small improvement! We were told that Sammy will have a quiet afternoon and no other X-rays until tomorrow, so no new information until then.
For now we're just relaxing and getting into a good routine of visiting him 4-5 times a day. Headed back over in about an hour...looking forward to spending more time with my baby...
Prayer to Andrew
Mommy isn't sure if she believes in anything other than things happen for a reason, so now that Mommy has an angel named Andrew, she's going to pray to him. It's 4:30 in the morning and Mommy can't sleep thinking about how precious her little Andrew was. So tiny and perfect to Mommy in every way...each little wrinkle of your face and curve of your body makes Mommy smile to think she had such a perfect little boy.
You were sent here to Mommy and Daddy for a reason but right now Mommy is having a hard time understanding why you had to be taken away so soon. You were the first little boy to hold Mommy's hand and stole her heart from the second you were conceived. Daddy loved you from that moment, too. We always wanted little boys in our life and you were and are such a blessing to us and always will be. We love you so much. No one will ever forget your short little life...not us, not your grandparents, your uncles, aunts, cousins...not even your nurses and doctors. You will be in everyone's hearts 'til we get to spend time with you again. I hope you're giving your Great Gramma, Great Nana and Great Papa big hugs and they are comforting you like you will comfort Mommy, Daddy, and Sammy some day long from now.
Right now Mommy needs you to look out for your brother Sammy. Mommy can't sleep thinking about and worrying about Sammy and she and Daddy need you to be his guardian angel, okay? He really needs you to look out for him. He may technically be older than you by a few minutes, but you two are brothers and he needs his brother right now. And Mommy and Daddy need you to help him fight to get better so that he can carry on your memory for the rest of his life. He's getting sicker and Mommy and Daddy need the medicine the doctors gave him to work so he can get better instead. We think he misses you, so you need to make sure that he knows you're right there with him, okay? Please comfort him so he knows it's okay to rest and get big and strong. He's already showing us he's a strong little boy like you were.
Andrew - Please make sure you look out for us, too? We are so sad to not be able to hold you anymore, but we hold you in our hearts every moment of every day and your little lamby is watching over us in bed tonight like he watched over you in your bed. We know that you are keeping us company through lamby, but monkey is with Sammy and monkey and you need to watch out for Sammy, okay? Please help Sammy, Andrew. Your brother really needs you now more than Mommy and Daddy. It's okay to leave Mommy and Daddy and look out for Sammy. If Mommy and Daddy need you, we'll let you know.
We love you so much, Andrew. We know you're not hurting anymore and that's so important to us. We promise to stay strong for Sammy. You are such a special little boy and we will see you sometime when the time is right. You will always be Mommy's and Daddy's little boy, our little peanut. We love you and send you big hugs and big kisses every time you cross our minds and hearts. xo
You were sent here to Mommy and Daddy for a reason but right now Mommy is having a hard time understanding why you had to be taken away so soon. You were the first little boy to hold Mommy's hand and stole her heart from the second you were conceived. Daddy loved you from that moment, too. We always wanted little boys in our life and you were and are such a blessing to us and always will be. We love you so much. No one will ever forget your short little life...not us, not your grandparents, your uncles, aunts, cousins...not even your nurses and doctors. You will be in everyone's hearts 'til we get to spend time with you again. I hope you're giving your Great Gramma, Great Nana and Great Papa big hugs and they are comforting you like you will comfort Mommy, Daddy, and Sammy some day long from now.
Right now Mommy needs you to look out for your brother Sammy. Mommy can't sleep thinking about and worrying about Sammy and she and Daddy need you to be his guardian angel, okay? He really needs you to look out for him. He may technically be older than you by a few minutes, but you two are brothers and he needs his brother right now. And Mommy and Daddy need you to help him fight to get better so that he can carry on your memory for the rest of his life. He's getting sicker and Mommy and Daddy need the medicine the doctors gave him to work so he can get better instead. We think he misses you, so you need to make sure that he knows you're right there with him, okay? Please comfort him so he knows it's okay to rest and get big and strong. He's already showing us he's a strong little boy like you were.
Andrew - Please make sure you look out for us, too? We are so sad to not be able to hold you anymore, but we hold you in our hearts every moment of every day and your little lamby is watching over us in bed tonight like he watched over you in your bed. We know that you are keeping us company through lamby, but monkey is with Sammy and monkey and you need to watch out for Sammy, okay? Please help Sammy, Andrew. Your brother really needs you now more than Mommy and Daddy. It's okay to leave Mommy and Daddy and look out for Sammy. If Mommy and Daddy need you, we'll let you know.
We love you so much, Andrew. We know you're not hurting anymore and that's so important to us. We promise to stay strong for Sammy. You are such a special little boy and we will see you sometime when the time is right. You will always be Mommy's and Daddy's little boy, our little peanut. We love you and send you big hugs and big kisses every time you cross our minds and hearts. xo
Friday, September 7, 2012
Sleepless nights
I find I need a distraction until I'm tired enough to sleep so I thought I might spill here for a few minutes in hopes it will make me tired enough to close my eyes without seeing my precious babies. Not that I don't want to dream about them but right now when I close my eyes I see a sick little baby boy and I'm not strong enough in this moment to not be scared.
Tonight's visit with Sammy was tainted by a doctor who just didn't seem to have much compassion for our current situation. All day Sammy has been gripping our fingers hard and hanging on. It's been wonderful. But this doc comes in and tells us all touch is causing his O2 levels to fluctuate and tries to instruct us on touching our son. Not our first day in the NICU idiot. I dunno...our week day doctor has confidence in this doctor so I do but it doesn't make hearing what he has to say easier.
Our first day without focusing on two babies seems to have gone well. But right now all I can see in my head when I close my eyes is my baby's lifeless body. It's been just over 24 hours since we said goodbye and I still can't wrap my head around it...part of me still can't wrap my head around being a Mom even. It doesn't seem fair that I'm not holding my babies tight tonight and comforting them. Or talking to them in my belly where they would be safe and sound...
I'm so overwhelmed by far too many emotions right now I should probably get sleep so I can think clearly....
Tonight's visit with Sammy was tainted by a doctor who just didn't seem to have much compassion for our current situation. All day Sammy has been gripping our fingers hard and hanging on. It's been wonderful. But this doc comes in and tells us all touch is causing his O2 levels to fluctuate and tries to instruct us on touching our son. Not our first day in the NICU idiot. I dunno...our week day doctor has confidence in this doctor so I do but it doesn't make hearing what he has to say easier.
Our first day without focusing on two babies seems to have gone well. But right now all I can see in my head when I close my eyes is my baby's lifeless body. It's been just over 24 hours since we said goodbye and I still can't wrap my head around it...part of me still can't wrap my head around being a Mom even. It doesn't seem fair that I'm not holding my babies tight tonight and comforting them. Or talking to them in my belly where they would be safe and sound...
I'm so overwhelmed by far too many emotions right now I should probably get sleep so I can think clearly....
Andrew Thomas
After a very brave three day fight for his life, Andrew became our little angel. Lung problems and acidosis that modern medicine couldn't help took him from us far too soon. He fought hard so we could get those three beautiful days with him and we are so thankful he did. He is watching over Sammy now and we are turning our full focus to his fight now. We are doing well as can be imagined but making sure we are doing everything for our little one. All services will be extremely private but I wanted to share this news so we can get everyone's prayers focused on Sammy now. He still needs so much of your love and support. I will write more when I have the strength but wanted all to know we are coping. Please continue your support.
Andrew Thomas Elliott
9/3/12-9/6/12
Andrew Thomas Elliott
9/3/12-9/6/12
Thursday, September 6, 2012
I wish I were still pregnant
Today has been a really difficult day and I am really not ready to talk about why. What I am feeling at this exact moment though is that I wish I were still pregnant. Despite everything I complained about and everything that was so difficult about my pregnancy I am really wishing I could still be pregnant. Everything would be so much easier if I were. Looking at my now somewhat flat belly and knowing there's nothing in there but my stupid organs is disappointing and annoying and depressing all at the same time. I can't explain it at all. This is not what I wanted. I would take back all the bitching about my pregnancy issues in a second for just another week or two carrying my boys in my belly. Anything would be better than this...
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