After some cramping in my leg that got progressively worse, I decided to tell my nurses and docs. Surprise that they think I have a deep vein thrombosis. Going down for that ultrasound next...one step at a time...then I'm going to go see my babies!
Update is that they don't see anything so that's good news. Yay! Just cramping but means all that much more important for me to be up and walking around instead of a bump on a log...though bump on a log seems like it would be much better alternative. Not like going home means I can do anything but sit around anyways considering I had major surgery...ugh! I'm never one for sitting still. But maybe I'll take this paid leave from work as a chance to finish the boys quilts. We will see...I'm trying to occupy myself with ideas of things to do....
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Sammy got milk!
It's 5:30 in the morning...glimmer of hope...I got a few drops of milk this morning and my AMAZING nurse came in to tell me that she took it right to ICN and they got the drops on Sammy's tongue!! Yay!!! I did something for one of my boys! I can do something...I'm determined to get more milk today...soooo determined...
Overwhelming
There is no time to type a lot right now...I really do promise to keep up soon. Update on the babies: both are right where they should be right now. They will be trying to tweak their liquids (only food they are getting) to help them grow and are constantly repositioning them to ensure they continue to breathe as well as possible. As long as we can keep both up, our understanding is that they will get bigger and stronger.
We spent yesterday morning sitting with them during rounds and I've decided I won't do that again. All the medical language for it to just be about their fluids was scarier than having them tell us again.
In the meantime, everything for me is I improving...which means discharge likely today (Thur). I'm not ready to leave. Leaving means going back to some sort of normal life. Life isn't normal. How can I leave my babies here and go home feeling the same? Ive had such a hard time feeling like their Mommy when I can't even care for them. I can't even produce milk yet to give them...no matter how hard I try...I am overwhelmed by leaving...I've made plans to be just down the road but what good am I there? I just still don't feel like a Mommy and I feel like I'm about to have the only sense that I am one taken away by leaving the birthing pavilion....
We spent yesterday morning sitting with them during rounds and I've decided I won't do that again. All the medical language for it to just be about their fluids was scarier than having them tell us again.
In the meantime, everything for me is I improving...which means discharge likely today (Thur). I'm not ready to leave. Leaving means going back to some sort of normal life. Life isn't normal. How can I leave my babies here and go home feeling the same? Ive had such a hard time feeling like their Mommy when I can't even care for them. I can't even produce milk yet to give them...no matter how hard I try...I am overwhelmed by leaving...I've made plans to be just down the road but what good am I there? I just still don't feel like a Mommy and I feel like I'm about to have the only sense that I am one taken away by leaving the birthing pavilion....
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
HELLP & Delivery
Since I posted about the neonatal doc scariness, a lot as happened, as you can see.
I went home on Saturday afternoon after my numbers all started to look great again. We even went on a quick grocery trip. I was bound and determined to eat EVEN better. The gastro docs thought my pain and elevated liver enzymes MAY have been caused by the Prevacid I was taking to help my heart burn. It's a very small chance, but it was a chance, so I was determined to control it with food. I enjoyed a great dinner and relaxation with my hubby including a movie. :) We had a great night.
I woke up Monday morning with the pain slowly coming back...slowly getting worse. I wasn't sure if it was just going to stay the dull pain or not, so I kind of waited it out before waking Camden up. No such luck, it continued to get worse. After waking him up, I called the hospital and they asked me to come in.
By the time we got to the hospital, I was in tears in pain. The pain that I'd had the week before...not even close to the same level...it just kept getting worse. Let's put it this way, the whole day was a blur. I can't tell you which nurses were here or what meds I was on. Nothing. All I know is I had some meds that didn't work and then finally was given some that did and took a nap. After all my bloodwork, my liver enzymes were climbing and my platelets were dropping. All along my blood pressure wasn't too bad, but the combination of the other two was scary. They couldn't explain my pain with the exception that my liver was swelling. The problem is, once your liver swells to a certain point, it's deadly...and not just for the babies. In combination with my platelets dropping and even just my minorly high blood pressure, it was clear that there was no way I could continue to carry my boys as it would be a complete detriment to my health.
At 6:00 we were told that they would be delivering Sam and Andy at approximately 6:30. I had to review what type of anesthesia I wanted (general or spinal) and sign all the consents. I'm not even sure I was aware enough to sign the consents, but I somewhat remember the conversations, so I guess that's consent, right? Ugh! I chose to do a spinal thinking recovering from that would be easier...
Now let me tell you, getting the spinal itself done was perfectly fine. The anesthesiologist was amazing and I don't even really remember it getting done...of course being scared out of your mind about what's about to happen kind of helps that be a blur, too. It felt very strange to feel nothing from the chest down, but I knew if I did the spinal, Cam could be in the room with me. Hindsight being 20/20 I don't know that it would have made any difference. Because of the emergency of our C-section, they did not even tell me when the babies were born. And of course at 24 weeks, 3 days old, they don't have the capacity to cry because of how underdeveloped their lungs are. I am pretty sure that made me even more scared. Once the boys were out, it was time to take care of the placentas and everything and stitch me up. Because of all the pulling and tugging and everything, I couldn't handle it anymore and was vomiting, so the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out for the last 30 minutes of the procedure. That helped a lot, but it didn't take away the scariness.
I got back to my room after everything and was drowsy beyond all. I expected our families (parents) to be here, but not Cam. They had told us he would be able to go with the boys...but apparently they hadn't allowed him to go with the boys at all. Sam was born at 7:02 PM and Andy at 7:05 PM and that's all we knew. Three hours later, we were finally allowed to go see them and they shared their sizes and everything with us.
Now let me tell you...having your babies basically ripped out of your belly is not conducive to feeling like a mom right away like that ideal moment that everyone pictures. Even 36 hours later, I'm not sure I feel like a mom quite yet either. But that moment I saw them for the first time...all hooked up to all the tubes...I couldn't stop crying. My little boys that had been kicking me and hiccupping in my belly just hours before were outside my belly and I couldn't take care of them anymore. My trust now all has to go to the doctors who have done this before. Don't let any one EVER tell you that it is not an overwhelming and emotional moment...there is something about seeing your babies all hooked up to tubes and machines that IS scary and it IS okay to cry. I still cry typing this thinking about that first moment. But it's one day at a time, one day at a time...
I went home on Saturday afternoon after my numbers all started to look great again. We even went on a quick grocery trip. I was bound and determined to eat EVEN better. The gastro docs thought my pain and elevated liver enzymes MAY have been caused by the Prevacid I was taking to help my heart burn. It's a very small chance, but it was a chance, so I was determined to control it with food. I enjoyed a great dinner and relaxation with my hubby including a movie. :) We had a great night.
I woke up Monday morning with the pain slowly coming back...slowly getting worse. I wasn't sure if it was just going to stay the dull pain or not, so I kind of waited it out before waking Camden up. No such luck, it continued to get worse. After waking him up, I called the hospital and they asked me to come in.
By the time we got to the hospital, I was in tears in pain. The pain that I'd had the week before...not even close to the same level...it just kept getting worse. Let's put it this way, the whole day was a blur. I can't tell you which nurses were here or what meds I was on. Nothing. All I know is I had some meds that didn't work and then finally was given some that did and took a nap. After all my bloodwork, my liver enzymes were climbing and my platelets were dropping. All along my blood pressure wasn't too bad, but the combination of the other two was scary. They couldn't explain my pain with the exception that my liver was swelling. The problem is, once your liver swells to a certain point, it's deadly...and not just for the babies. In combination with my platelets dropping and even just my minorly high blood pressure, it was clear that there was no way I could continue to carry my boys as it would be a complete detriment to my health.
At 6:00 we were told that they would be delivering Sam and Andy at approximately 6:30. I had to review what type of anesthesia I wanted (general or spinal) and sign all the consents. I'm not even sure I was aware enough to sign the consents, but I somewhat remember the conversations, so I guess that's consent, right? Ugh! I chose to do a spinal thinking recovering from that would be easier...
Now let me tell you, getting the spinal itself done was perfectly fine. The anesthesiologist was amazing and I don't even really remember it getting done...of course being scared out of your mind about what's about to happen kind of helps that be a blur, too. It felt very strange to feel nothing from the chest down, but I knew if I did the spinal, Cam could be in the room with me. Hindsight being 20/20 I don't know that it would have made any difference. Because of the emergency of our C-section, they did not even tell me when the babies were born. And of course at 24 weeks, 3 days old, they don't have the capacity to cry because of how underdeveloped their lungs are. I am pretty sure that made me even more scared. Once the boys were out, it was time to take care of the placentas and everything and stitch me up. Because of all the pulling and tugging and everything, I couldn't handle it anymore and was vomiting, so the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out for the last 30 minutes of the procedure. That helped a lot, but it didn't take away the scariness.
I got back to my room after everything and was drowsy beyond all. I expected our families (parents) to be here, but not Cam. They had told us he would be able to go with the boys...but apparently they hadn't allowed him to go with the boys at all. Sam was born at 7:02 PM and Andy at 7:05 PM and that's all we knew. Three hours later, we were finally allowed to go see them and they shared their sizes and everything with us.
Now let me tell you...having your babies basically ripped out of your belly is not conducive to feeling like a mom right away like that ideal moment that everyone pictures. Even 36 hours later, I'm not sure I feel like a mom quite yet either. But that moment I saw them for the first time...all hooked up to all the tubes...I couldn't stop crying. My little boys that had been kicking me and hiccupping in my belly just hours before were outside my belly and I couldn't take care of them anymore. My trust now all has to go to the doctors who have done this before. Don't let any one EVER tell you that it is not an overwhelming and emotional moment...there is something about seeing your babies all hooked up to tubes and machines that IS scary and it IS okay to cry. I still cry typing this thinking about that first moment. But it's one day at a time, one day at a time...
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Birth of our Twins
Samuel Earl and Andrew Thomas were born September 3, 2012 at 7:02 and 7:05 PM respectively. They were born just less than four months early and have a very long battle ahead. I promise to post more on why this happened as well as pics and everything scary that has happened so far, but for now I thought I'd share our news.
Andrew Thomas, 1lb, 2oz, 10.75"
Samuel Earl, 1lb, 6oz, 12"
Andrew Thomas, 1lb, 2oz, 10.75"
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Neonatal Doc Scariness
I figure since I'm awake and breakfast is still on its way, I could update on the scariness that was our conversation with the NICU docs yesterday.
It's overwhelming when they come in anyways because you KNOW it's because you're at risk of delivering early. And of course they came in at a time when we still didn't know if the boys were going to be delivered at exactly 24 weeks or not, so I'm still an emotional freakin wreck!
Needless to say they started by asking us what our concerns and questions were. Okay, seriously? I'm a scared pregnant lady who has waiting over THREE years to have a baby...that seems obvious...survivability.
Wellllll who knew the decisions you have to make for your 24 week old baby if its born? This hospital will let the parents choose whether or not to pull out all the stops between 24 and 25 weeks. In other words, we could choose not to have the doctors try any kind of extraordinary measures (i.e. resuscitate them). Um, excuse me? I don't know, but I'm not 100% sure that any momma would be able to make that decision lightly. At what point do you give up? Obviously I want my boys to have a good quality of life and not live in a wheelchair if we can help it. I don't want them to be blind or deaf or mentally retarded, no, but if I said no, I don't want you to resuscitate them, then how would I know that that was even going to happen. Being born at 24 weeks, they have a 75% chance of having some sort of lifetime issue. That's really scary, yes, but the scarier number is that with my boys being twins, they only have a 40% chance of survival at 24 weeks. Very scary numbers...
BUT the good news is that I'm not delivering them at 24 weeks, so every hour and every day counts. My goal is 26 weeks for now...then if we make it there, 28...two weeks at a time. But ultimately I know that every day they stay in there is better. :) So let's hope that these boys will wait until at LEAST October to make their appearance! Keep the positive thoughts coming, please!
It's overwhelming when they come in anyways because you KNOW it's because you're at risk of delivering early. And of course they came in at a time when we still didn't know if the boys were going to be delivered at exactly 24 weeks or not, so I'm still an emotional freakin wreck!
Needless to say they started by asking us what our concerns and questions were. Okay, seriously? I'm a scared pregnant lady who has waiting over THREE years to have a baby...that seems obvious...survivability.
Wellllll who knew the decisions you have to make for your 24 week old baby if its born? This hospital will let the parents choose whether or not to pull out all the stops between 24 and 25 weeks. In other words, we could choose not to have the doctors try any kind of extraordinary measures (i.e. resuscitate them). Um, excuse me? I don't know, but I'm not 100% sure that any momma would be able to make that decision lightly. At what point do you give up? Obviously I want my boys to have a good quality of life and not live in a wheelchair if we can help it. I don't want them to be blind or deaf or mentally retarded, no, but if I said no, I don't want you to resuscitate them, then how would I know that that was even going to happen. Being born at 24 weeks, they have a 75% chance of having some sort of lifetime issue. That's really scary, yes, but the scarier number is that with my boys being twins, they only have a 40% chance of survival at 24 weeks. Very scary numbers...
BUT the good news is that I'm not delivering them at 24 weeks, so every hour and every day counts. My goal is 26 weeks for now...then if we make it there, 28...two weeks at a time. But ultimately I know that every day they stay in there is better. :) So let's hope that these boys will wait until at LEAST October to make their appearance! Keep the positive thoughts coming, please!
Updating...
I got the good news last night that my labs were all going in the right directions, so they didn't have to wake me up at 3AM to do anymore. That was nice...except that I wake up in the middle of the night all the time. :-S I haven't been sleeping all that well to begin with...add being in a hospital to that...even if I am in a private room and you've got an only somewhat good night's sleep.
Even more good news was that the high risk docs came in to talk to me this morning and told me that with my labs on the up and up and my gastro ultrasound looking good yesterday that I would likely get to go home tonight. Big yay from me!! I've got another set of labs that were drawn this morning to check on everything again, including some new gastro labs, so here's hoping those all come back good, too. :) Next step is meeting with the gastro doctors to determine if there's any further testing they need. The testing that the high risk doc thought they may look for was a scope to check my esophagus and all that jazz to see if I needed some sort of treatment for issues surrounding that...but that's purely gastro related and not related to the babies at all.
I'll also get another anatomy scan of the babies at the request of the neonatal docs in the rare chance that the boys come early. Since it's been 6 weeks since they last measured the boys, neonatal wants to know their sizes as accurately as possible (more on that in a separate post!).
Home tonight is sounding so good...I'm really hoping that we keep heading in that direction! Oh and the other good news? Back to normal life, no bed rest! Bad news is coming into the hospital any time I have that pain again, so that kinda sucks, but hey, if I get to be home, who cares. I'll just keep a good hospital bag packed and in my car at ALL times!
Of course I'm now at high risk of delivering early anyways...but every day I can keep these little guys safe in my belly is one more day that makes it easier for the docs to help them when they are born...everyone's thoughts/prayers/well wishes for us are really helping, so please keep it up!
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